Sick jokes

• • I was asked to run a marathon and I said, “no chance.”
    Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought, “fuck it. I could win that!”

 

• • What did the deaf, dumb, blind, downs syndrome, quadriplegic baby get for Christmas?
    Cancer.

 

• • Whos the best jewish cook?
    Hitler.

• • Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: “Windows frozen.”
    Husband texts back: “Pour some lukewarm water over it”
    Wife texts back: “Computer completely fucked now.”

 

• • How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
    When your wife has to chew before she swallows.

 

• • Whats worse than2 dead baby’s in a dustbin
    One dead baby in 2 dustbins.

 

• • I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
    Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

 

• • A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
    Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons’ innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry. That was an insect.”
    To which one of the boys replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that.”

 

• • What do you get if you put a baby in a microwave?
    An erection.

 

• • I bought a race horse and decided to call it “MY FACE”.
    Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting “COME ON MY FACE”!!

 

• • I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
    She never saw me coming.

 

• • Hear about the blind man who bled to death trying to read a cheese grater?

 

• • I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
    She said I had to stop wanking.
    When I asked why, she said, “because I’m trying to examine you!”

 

• • Women dont want to hear mens’ opinions, they want to hear their own opinions but in a deeper voice.

 

• • What’s a Jewish dilemma?
    Free pork.

 

• • Two sperms are having a race, one sperm says, “My arms are killing me with all this swimming, are we near the womb?”
    The second sperm says, “Not for a long time yet, we’ve only just gone past her tonsils!!

 

• • Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?
    It was dead.

 

• • What do Retards and Slinkys have in common?
    Both are useless but give you a laugh when they fall down the stairs.

 

• • A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
    After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
    The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
    The woman replies, “It’s Brandon, the midget!

 

• • I like my whisky like my women. 15 years old and mixed with coke.

 

• • As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?”
    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

 

• • Little Sally said to her Mummy: “Mummy, Mummy, I saw Little Johnny’s penis today!”
    Mummy was not amused. “You shouldn’t be seeing things like that at your age.”
    Little Sally replied: “It was like a peanut!”
    Mummy relaxed slightly, and chuckled. “Why, was it small?”
    “No”, answered Little Sally. “Salty.”

 

• • What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common?
    Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger.

 

The last 15 of sick jokes

• • Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?
    Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there.

 

• • What do 9/10 people enjoy?
    Gang rape.

 

• • I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
    I asked him, “Son, what are you doing up here all alone?”
    He replied, with tears in his eyes, “My mum’s down there at the bottom. She fell!”
    “That’s terrible!” I said. “And your dad?”
    “He’s down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!”
    “That’s awful!” I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
    And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
    “Son, today just isn’t your day.”

 

• • What’s the most sensitive part of your body when you’re having a wank?
    Your ears.

 

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• • What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
    Full.

 

• • I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say “You’re next”.
    They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals…

 

• • Some mornings I wake up bitchy.
    Other mornings I let her sleep.

 

• • What’s long and hard and makes women groan?
    An Ironing Board.

 

• • Why does a showerhead have 11 holes?
    Cause Jews only have 10 fingers.

 

• • Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night.
    She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds.
    Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your daughter isn’t very sexy.

 

• • A man says to his wife “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
    His wife replies, “You’ve got a bigger dick than your brother”

• • Get the dog walking area to yourself by eating sausages out of a dog pooh bag.

 

• • A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Suzie’s chair.
    “Ah, Suzie, why didn’t you put your hand up?”
    “I did, Miss, but it just ran through me fucking fingers.”

 

• • Why do Japanese people have slanted eyes?
    Because they’re still squinting from the blast.

 

• • My wife hates it when I go for a shit with the door open.
    I don’t know what her problem is. I still keep my eyes on the road.