Condom jokes and rhymes

• • Why can’t pencils have babies?
    Because they have rubbers on their end.

• • Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick.
    Particularly when you weren’t wearing one when you started.

• • If you woke up one morning with a sore arse and a used condom lying next to you would you tell anyone?
    No? Want to go out tomorrow night?

• • Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom?
    Finding a condom in your hole!

• • How is a woman like a condom?
    Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

• • What do a shark and a condom with a hole in it have in common?
    You don’t want to mess around with either of them!

• • You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror?
    Try breaking a condom.

• • What’s the best way to avoid getting dog excrements on yourself?
    Use a condom.

• • What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
    They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

• • When I was in school, my Biology teacher had to give us the facts of life talk. During one of the lessons he had to show us how to put on a condom. It was really embarrassing, waiting for him to get hard.

• • How can you pick out a paranoid woman?
    She’s the one with a condom on her vibrator.

• • My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, “I wish I’d used a condom now.”
    Horrified, she said, “What? You wish our son had never been born?”
    “No,” I replied. “I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”

• • When should you wear condoms?
    At every conceivable occasion.

• • If women who sleep around too much were labelled “heroes” instead of “cheap”, us guys would be having a lot more sex.
    Someone messed up here.

More condom jokes and rhymes

• • What do you call a two hundred foot rubber?
    A condominium.

• • My wife keeps complaining that I wear socks when we have sex.
    I suppose a condom would be better.

• • Chuck Norris doesn’t use condoms.
    He uses a live rattlesnake

• • What do you call a Rock group that practices safe sex?
    A Rubber band.

• • What do you do with 365 used condoms?
    Roll them into a tire and call it a good year!

• • What’s the difference between condoms and coffins?
    They’re both full of stiffs, only one’s coming while the other is going.

• • Have you ever read the small print on the bottom of a condom?
    Oh, I see, you’ve never had to roll it down that far.

• • Why is paying your car insurance like wearing a condom?
    They both give you a feeling of security even though you know you’re getting messed!

• • You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.

• • No ballon, No party.

• • Cover your skin, Before you break her in.

• • When in doubt, shroud your spout.

• • Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey.

• • Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam.

Great condom jokes and rhymes

• • Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

• • Don’t surprise her plug your geyser.

• • Cover you post then slice her roast.

• • Don’t be a prick, Cover your dick.

• • Can your worm before you squirm.

• • Cover your stump before you hump.

• • Wrap your bait before you mate.

• • Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard.

• • Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.

• • Before you tap it cap it.

• • She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.

• • If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.

• • If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

• • House your noodle when you release your strudel.

• • If you go into heat, package your meat.

• • Don’t be silly, protect your willy.

• • Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore.

• • Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon.

• • Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

• • Wrap it before you Tap it.

• • It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

• • If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

• • The right selection! Protect your erection.

• • Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

• • Before you dig for those Pearls, cover your Jewel.

• • If you really love her, wear a cover.

• • Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

• • If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

• • Don’t make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

• • Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

• • No glove, No love.

The last 25 condom jokes and rhymes

• • Bag it before you tag it.

• • A crank with armor, will never harm her.

• • While your undressing Venus, dress up your Mars bar.

• • Don’t be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

• • AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

• • Survey your land then plant her stand.

• • Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound.

• • Put a condom on your blink before you dart it in her sink.

• • Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed.

• • If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye.

• • Dont be a dummy, deliver on her tummy.

• • Cloak the joker before you poke her.

• • Even If she’s eager, protect her beaver.

• • Restrain your log then plow that bog.

• • Before you drive her protect that diver.

• • Encase that torch before you paint her porch.

• • Safe Sex or No Sex.

• • Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle.

• • Cover that lumber before you pump her.

• • Put on the sling before you get some bling.

• • Cage that snake then shake and bake.

• • She won’t bristle if you wrap your whistle.

• • Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt.

• • You can’t go wrong if you shield your shlong.

• • Cover your peter it will be much neater.