Funny Jokes and Insults https://top-funny-jokes.com Thu, 22 Jun 2017 18:43:43 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.8 Hilarious jokes https://top-funny-jokes.com/hilarious-jokes/ https://top-funny-jokes.com/hilarious-jokes/#respond Wed, 14 Jun 2017 14:07:47 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=933 Laughter is like medicine. You will feel better and have a more meaningful life. Just a laugh a day keeps the doctor away or was it an apple? Never mind, here is a great list with hilarious jokes. The word hilarious can mean funny for some and not so much for others. We have picked …

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Hilarious jokesLaughter is like medicine. You will feel better and have a more meaningful life. Just a laugh a day keeps the doctor away or was it an apple? Never mind, here is a great list with hilarious jokes. The word hilarious can mean funny for some and not so much for others. We have picked those jokes who made the most smile for this category. If you have any comments about these jokes or just this site, then use the contact form and submit anything you may have on your mind.

I hope you will enjoy these as many others before you. Have a great time.

  • Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
    Father: Really, what?
    Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
  • A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
    “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
  • Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”
    “That’s right, Bobbie,” said the woman. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”
    “Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”
  • “When are you going on your vacation?”
    “I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”
  • Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
    Mom: “I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”



  • A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
    “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
    “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
  • A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
    He replied, “I study astronomy.”
    “Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”
  • “What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”
    “She got a terrible shock.”
    “How was it?”
    “She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”
  • A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
  • “Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
    “Yes, dear!”
    “Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
    “Why, are you so hungry?”
    “No, but I’ve eaten them already.”
  • “Papa, what are ancestors?”
    “Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”
    “Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”
  • The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
  • “I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
    “Yes, yes; go on.”
    “I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”
  • A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
  • What did one bee say to the other bee?
    Wasabi!
  • A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.
    “Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”
    “Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”
  • “Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”
    “A bartender, my boy.”
  • A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
  • Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”
    Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”
    Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”
  • An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, “Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!”
    “Is this her first child?” asks the operator.
    “No you dumbass! It’s her husband!”
  • “Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”
    “He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”
  • Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”
    Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”
  • After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gay. I’m going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
    I’ll get their boyfriends!
  • More hilarious jokes

  • Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
    Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
    It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
    “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
  • Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”
    Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”
  • “What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”
    “To pay the installments.”
  • Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
    You don’t need make-up, Jane.
    Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
    You need plastic surgery.
  • In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
  • Two girls:
    “I’m going to buy a book.”
    “A book!?”
    “Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamp yesterday.”
  • A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
    “Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
    “Wrong number,” replied the girl.
  • Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
  • A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
    “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
    “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
    The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
    The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
  • Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”
    Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”



  • How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
    It’s when the blind try to read your face.
  • Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
    “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
    The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
    There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”
  • Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
    Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
    Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”
  • “I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.” “Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.”
  • A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.
    “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

Here is a great video with comedian Trevor Noah where is tells some hilarious jokes.

This videoe was uploaded by “Dyllon Arkell”

Humor is a funny thing. Like everything else here in life we understand and receive it differently. It can be a bit hard to pick specific jokes that can make everyone laugh. If you one of the people that did not laugh or even smile a bit, then just pick another topic or category I have on this site. You will find 32 + different joke topics that you can choose from.

And don´t worry I won’t let this site go stale, I add more jokes to every category and new categories also.

So if you have read all the jokes you can find on this page, remember to return, cause I bet you will find many more in the future. Oh yeah and one last thing, if you like this page, then share it with your friends, family and even your pets. They are all welcome.

Here is a lot more categories with jokes

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Fat jokes https://top-funny-jokes.com/fat-jokes/ https://top-funny-jokes.com/fat-jokes/#respond Tue, 13 Jun 2017 16:35:43 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=917 This joke category is all about the fat. Yes indeed the Fat jokes, they are funny and somewhat cruel. However, before we begin I must say that these jokes are not intended to hurt or be used as such to hurt anyone’s feelings. For those who do not know it, obese people don’t have to …

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Fat jokes
This joke category is all about the fat. Yes indeed the Fat jokes, they are funny and somewhat cruel. However, before we begin I must say that these jokes are not intended to hurt or be used as such to hurt anyone’s feelings. For those who do not know it, obese people don’t have to be lazy, there is actually an illness that render humans metabolism system. Therefore, no matter what they eat or how much they exercise, they have some difficulty losing weight.

Now let´s have some fun. Go ahead and enjoy yourself with these great fat jokes. Remember to share with friends and family.

  • How do you seduce a fat woman?
    Piece of cake.
  • How do you find how many fat people are in America?
    Throw a cookie into the street.
  • How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
    You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving.
  • Alcohol doesn’t make you FAT
    It makes you LEAN… against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!
  • Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman.
    No seriously, you’re in the way.
  • You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.



  • A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?” The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.” The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”
  • Relationships are like fat people.
    Most of them don’t work out.
  • Why was the blonde jogging backwards?
    She wanted to gain weight!
  • Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself… A piece of cake.
  • I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym again today.
    That’s seven years in a row now.
  • How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
    They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
  • I’m not fat, I’m just 4 feet too short.
  • A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly…
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
    The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
  • I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about three years now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties.
    We’ve got different ideas about what the problem is.
    She bought me some Viagra.
    And I’ve bought her a treadmill.
  • Only in American will you see “poor” fat people.
  • I’m not saying your wife’s fat but if I had to name the 5 fattest people I know, she’d be 3 of them.
  • If bars aren’t allowed to serve drunk people, then why is McDonald’s still allowed to serve fat people?
  • I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
  • I was lying in bed with my wife last night.
    She looked at me seductively and said, “I’m wide awake, babe.”
    I said, “You’re wide when you’re asleep too.”
  • Music teacher: ‘What’s your favorite musical instrument?’
    Fat kid: ‘The lunch bell.’
  • A guy is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach.
    “That’s not going to help,” says his wife.
    “Yes, it will,” replies the man. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
  • What do you call two fat people having a chat?
    A heavy discussion.
  • After years of dieting, I found there was only one way to look thin:
    Hang out with fat people.
  • You have enough fat to make another human.
  • My boyfriend hates it when I make jokes about his weight.
    He needs to lighten up.
  • The last 10 fat jokes

  • Your so fat you were rolling down a hill and you never stopped.
  • You never hear skinny people saying, “I’m just small boned.”
  • You have more chins than Chinatown.
  • I’m not saying my girlfriend’s fat but she’s got so many double chins it looks like she’s staring at you over a plate of pancakes.
  • You’re so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.
  • A rather obese man is very excited about his new job and wants to start work immediately. However, when he sits down at his computer, the only program installed was spreadsheets. Confused, the man calls over his boss and asks:”Why there is only excel installed on this computer?” His boss replies, “It was the only program in your size!”
  • My 6-pack is very precious to me.
    That’s why I protect it with a layer of fat.
  • My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.



  • What do you call a fat psychic?
    A four chin teller.
  • You’re fat. It’s not because it runs in the family, you’re fat because nobody runs in your family.

Here is a video with 15 hilarious fat jokes.

This video is produced by “GAG Nation”

Did you enjoy these fat jokes? I know that this list a bit slim, but we will fatten it up with time. There is many and I mean huge amount fat jokes about yo mama. But they belong to its very own category. If you want to read those, pick the category below or just find it in the main menu at the top of this page.

If you know any funny fat jokes, then don’t hesitate and submit. I appreciate all the help I can get from you all. That all for now.

Have a great day – Top-funny-jokes.com

Here is all the other categories we have

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Dad jokes https://top-funny-jokes.com/dad-jokes/ https://top-funny-jokes.com/dad-jokes/#respond Mon, 12 Jun 2017 17:23:46 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=870 Here is a great collection of dad jokes that will make you laugh or cringe at the same time. These jokes are famous for being embarrassing for kids, because dads always tells them when all the friends are around. One thing is known, they are extremely easy to remember and that could be the reason …

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dad jokesHere is a great collection of dad jokes that will make you laugh or cringe at the same time. These jokes are famous for being embarrassing for kids, because dads always tells them when all the friends are around. One thing is known, they are extremely easy to remember and that could be the reason why all the dads have them as their repertoire. Yes these jokes may be corny, and not that funny again, but give your old man a chance, there may be one jokes in the whole bunch that you may find funny.

Prepare yourself for agony and misery, for this list contain more than 125 terrible dad jokes. And if you’re a dad, remember to share them with your friends who also have kids. How else can we annoy our kids right?

  • I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
  • I used to have a job at the calendar factory, but they fired me because I took a couple of days off.
  • Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
  • What time is it? I don’t know. It keeps changing.
  • Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
  • I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.



  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
  • Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.
  • What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
  • Why does Peter pan always fly? Because he neverlands!
  • You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
  • Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
  • “I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
  • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
  • Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
  • If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?
  • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  • Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I’m still working on it.
  • “Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
  • What do you call a can of soup that eats other cans of soup? A CANnibal.
  • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
  • When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
  • This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
  • I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
  • I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
  • RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
  • I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
  • Why do bananas need sunscreen? Because they peel.
  • If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
  • “Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”
  • “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
  • “What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”
  • The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
  • Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
  • How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
  • What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
  • “What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”.
  • The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  • “How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”



  • Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – it’s pasteurized before you even see it
  • What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
  • People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
  • I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
  • Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it.
  • Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
  • I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
  • Many more dad jokes right here.

  • If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
  • I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  • I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
  • I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
  • You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
  • Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
  • What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
  • What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
  • If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!
  • Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
  • Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
  • Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  • Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!
  • Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
  • What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”
  • How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!
  • How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
  • I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  • What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
  • What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.
  • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”
  • What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
  • Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
  • Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.



  • What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
  • “What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.”
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.
  • A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
  • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
  • Without geometry life is pointless.
  • “What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”
  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
  • I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
  • A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently, the survivors are marooned.
  • I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.
  • Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
  • I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
  • What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
  • Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.
  • Just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best damn program I have ever seen.
  • Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
  • What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
  • What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
  • Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re two tired.
  • There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
  • “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”
  • “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”
  • A Sandwich walks into a bar; the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  • What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
  • The last 25 dad jokes

  • I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
  • Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
  • A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
  • What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
  • What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
  • Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
  • What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
  • Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  • Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
  • “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”
  • What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.



  • What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
  • What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
  • A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”.
  • Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  • I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little.. Eel.
  • I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
  • “Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”.
  • Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
  • Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
  • When Dad drops a pea off of his plate “oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table”.
  • What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
  • Dad I’m hungry. “Hi hungry” I’m dad.
  • Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

Here is a great video with a man who tells 41 dad jokes in about 4 minutes.

This video is created by “vlogbrothers”

Can it be? Have you read all the dad jokes? You must have some patience I must say, many would have picked another joke category but you stuck with it all the way. You must be or have bin every fathers dream. Congratulations, you are one of the few who reached the end of this misery.

If you liked these jokes, then we have many more categories you can discover. You can see all the categories we have below or simply pick one you would like to read in the main menu.

Should it happen that we missed some or you know a great dad joke, then don’t hesitate to submit it. I will attach you name to the jokes as a thank you.

Have a great day to all the fathers and their kids out there.

Here is all the other categories we have

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Sex jokes https://top-funny-jokes.com/sex-jokes/ https://top-funny-jokes.com/sex-jokes/#respond Fri, 09 Jun 2017 15:42:27 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=857 Here is a list with great sex jokes. Yes they are somewhat unappropriated but very funny. Just a warning, these jokes are not for underage kids. Most of these jokes contain foul and filthy language. So parent beware of your kids who lands on this exactly page. If they like jokes, we got many other …

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Sex jokesHere is a list with great sex jokes. Yes they are somewhat unappropriated but very funny. Just a warning, these jokes are not for underage kids. Most of these jokes contain foul and filthy language. So parent beware of your kids who lands on this exactly page. If they like jokes, we got many other categories just for them. You can find the appropriated categories in the main menu.

So what is these sex jokes about? They are about life, love between people and funny questions by kids as you will experience. So without further ado go ahead and enjoy yourself with these filthy but funny jokes.

  • A boy says to a girl, “So, sex at my place?” “Yeah!” “Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we’re making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?” Later that day the girl is yelling, “Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!” The younger brother says, “Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!”
  • My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.
    So I got drunk.
  • What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
  • A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
  • Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
    For fingering a minor.
  • A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
  • What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
    You can unscrew a lightbulb.
  • What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
    One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
  • A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.” Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?” The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”
  • A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm. “Sure!” she says, “He’s at home taking care of the kids”
  • A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry”
  • Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”
  • Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
    Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
    Kid 1: “As if.”
    Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
    Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
    Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”
  • A man is telling his friend of a recent experience: “I was walking along beside the railway line” he says, “When I saw this girl tied to the tracks. Well, naturally I freed her, pulled her off the tracks and ended up having sex with her all night.” “Did you get a blow job?” asks his friend. “No!” he says, “I never did find the head.”
  • I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”
  • A boy comes down stairs for breakfast and asks his grandma “Has my mom and dad come down stairs yet?” The grandma says “no” the boy giggles and goes out side to play He came back in for lunch and askd again the gramma says “no” he giggles and goes out side to play He later comes in for dinner and asks once again “Have my mom and dad come downstairs yet?” She says “no” he giggles Finnally she asks him why he keeps giggling when he asks that the boy said “Last night dad asked me for the lubricant but instead I gave him super glue”.
  • A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, “What were you and daddy doing?” The mom said, “We were baking a cake.” A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, “Were you and daddy baking a cake?” She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, “Because I licked the frosting off the couch.”
  • A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?” The mother replies, “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time,” said the boy. “Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled. “Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”
  • Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
  • Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.” The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try.” Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
  • Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.” “I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?” “Well, it’s where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her tits, and whisper in her ear, ‘boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.’ Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds.”
  • An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively. “I would like it infrequently “, she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”
  • Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
  • Here is some more sex jokes for you.

  • One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”
  • Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
    Man: “Yes!”
    Reporter: “Name?”
    Man: “Ahmed Al-Bakir.”
    Reporter: “Sex?”
    Man: “Three to five times a week.”
    Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
    Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
    Reporter: “Holy cow!”
    Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
    Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
    Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
    Reporter: “Oh dear!”
    Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”
  • A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
  • After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, “I had sex with my teacher.” She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son’s room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, “I had sex with my teacher.” The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, “No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts.”
  • A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
  • A dick has a sad life. His hair’s a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.
  • Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!” Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?” Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.” Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”
  • A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
  • Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.”
  • This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at boobs and she said “Press One?” So I did… I don’t remember much after that.
    A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”
  • Why do Jews watch porn backwards? Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.
  • A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
  • My wife told me to go and get some pills to help me with my erection problems.
    You should have seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Here is a video with Peter Griffin and Brian from Family Guy showing sort of a sex joke.

This video is uploaded by Pelo Concha Copyright Fox Broadcasting Company.

What is sex and sex jokes?

Sex is something every human being knows about. It’s a normal thing we all have in our life’s. Some more than others, so why is this something many only whisper about? Embrace it, sex is our right to enjoy, express and talk about. These jokes is a way to talk about this subject. Sex jokes is not for everyone, but I can promise you that they are funny and should be shared with others. Don’t keep this page as your own treasure, share it with your family and friends. Have a laugh together and enjoy both life and sex as all should. If you are looking for others jokes, then look below or just pick the category you want in the main menu.

Here is all the other categories we have

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Corny jokes https://top-funny-jokes.com/corny-jokes/ https://top-funny-jokes.com/corny-jokes/#respond Thu, 08 Jun 2017 16:13:21 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=813 You probably hear many jokes in your life. Your parent, friends or even a stranger told you at least one in your lifetime. See there is difference between jokes, just look in the main mane of this page and see how many different categories we have, and yes, we add still new categories now and …

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Corny jokesYou probably hear many jokes in your life. Your parent, friends or even a stranger told you at least one in your lifetime. See there is difference between jokes, just look in the main mane of this page and see how many different categories we have, and yes, we add still new categories now and again. The thing I´m trying to tell you is that there is jokes so corny or lame that they are not funny, but at the same time are. Hard to understand? Ok, they are sooooo corny that they are funny. The build up to a punchline, you expect a funny answer or something like that, but the only thing you get is a disappointment, and that is actually the thing that can make one laugh. Don´t believe me? Well go ahead and read them for yourself.
  • Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don’t work.
  • What do you call a fake noodle?
    An Im-pasta!
  • How do you befriend a squirrel?
    Just act like a nut.
  • How do you stop moles digging in your garden?
    Hide the spade.
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
    Ten-tickles!
  • What do you call a nosy pepper?
    Jalapeno business.
  • An Italian chef has died.
    He pasta way.



  • What kind of room can’t you enter?
    A mushroom!
  • What did the traffic light say to the car?
    Don’t look! I’m about to change.
  • What does a nut say when it sneezes?
    Cashew.
  • Why was the little strawberry crying?
    His mom was in a jam.
  • How do you put an alien baby to sleep?
    You rocket!
  • How do snails fight?
    They slug it out.
  • Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?
    It was craving a well-balanced meal.
  • Why don’t penguins like talking to strangers at parties?
    They find it hard to break the ice.
  • Where did the cow take his date?
    The MOOvies!
  • Why are frogs so happy?
    They eat whatever bugs them.
  • How do you impress a female baker?
    Bring her flours.
  • What do you call a pony with a cough?
    A little hoarse.
  • Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
    For dizzle!
  • Why did the bicycle fall over?
    Because it was two tired.
  • What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
    Where’s pop corn?
  • What did one hat say to the other?
    You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
  • What did one eye say to the other eye?
    Between you and me, something smells!
  • What did the triangle say to the circle?
    You’re pointless.
  • What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?
    Lookin’ a little pail there.
  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
    Because if they flew over the bay they’d be called bagels.
  • Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?
    Because they’re really good at it!
  • Why do chicken coups always have two doors?
    With four, they’d be chicken sedans.
  • What kind of music do mummies listen to?
    Wrap music.
  • What do you do if someone thinks an onion is the only food that can make them cry?
    Throw a coconut at their face.
  • What’s white and can’t climb a tree?
    A fridge!
  • Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?
    They kept dropping their trunks.
  • Why did the cookie go to the doctors?
    Because he felt crummy.
  • What did the cop say to his stomach?
    Stop! I’ve got you under a vest!
  • What’s a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
    The tromBONE!
  • What’s the difference between America and a memory stick?
    One’s USA and the other’s USB.
  • How does a duck buy lipstick?
    She just puts it on her bill.
  • What do you call a T-Rex that’s been beaten up?
    Dino-sore.
  • What is the difference between girl spaghetti and man spaghetti?
    Meatballs.
  • What do you call a man with no arms or legs wading in a pool?
    Bob.
  • What do cows most like to read?
    Cattle-logs.



  • What did the axe murderer say to the judge?
    It was an axe-ident.
  • What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner?
    A cold shoulder.
  • What do you call a snowman on a hot day?
    Puddle.
  • What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
    Roberto.
  • What do you do with epileptic lettuce?
    Make a seizure salad.
  • Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
    Because then it’d be a foot.
  • What do you call a police officer in bed?
    An undercover cop!
  • What do you do when you see a spaceman?
    Park your car, man.
  • Why did Mozart kill his chicken?
    Because it kept saying Bach, bach, bach.
  • What do you do with a sick boat?
    Take is to the doc already.
  • What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired?
    Oh, snap!
  • Here is a lot more corny jokes for you.

  • How much does a Mustang cost?
    More than you can af-Ford.
  • What did the older chimney say to the younger one?
    But you’re way too young to smoke!
  • Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
    It’s Dublin.
  • What did one shark say to the other as he ate a clownfish?
    Well this tastes a little funny.
  • What does the cobbler say when a cat wanders into his shop?
    Shoe!
  • Which plant rules the garden?
    The dande-lion.
  • Who do you call when the ocean needs a little cleaning?
    A mermaid, of course.
  • What do you call a bee that’s having a bad hair day?
    Frisbee.
  • Why was the poor guy selling yeast?
    To raise some dough.
  • Why did the fish get bad grades?
    Because it was below sea level.
  • Why did the skeleton hit the party solo?
    He had no body to go with him.
  • “It’s so cold!”
    “Go stand in the corner where it’s 90 degrees.”
  • How much does a pirate pay for corn?
    A buccaneer.
  • Why did the can crusher quit his job?
    It was soda pressing.
  • What do you call a pooch living in Alaska?
    A chilly dog.
  • What’s a firefly’s favorite game?
    Hide-and-glow-seek.
  • What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
    Nothing. They fast.
  • Why is there a wall around the cemetery?
    Because people are dying to get in.
  • How did the pirate stop smoking?
    He used the patch.
  • Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?
    His mummy, of course.
  • What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
    Give me my quarterback.
  • Why do French people eat snails?
    Because they don’t like fast food.
  • Did you hear about that wedding?
    It was in-tents.



  • Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.
  • Why could the bee not hear what people were saying?
    He had wax in his ears.
  • Why was the sand wet?
    Because the sea weed.
  • Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
    In case he got a hole in one.
  • Why shouldn’t you play cards on the savannah?
    Because of all the cheetahs.
  • I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
    Do not read it!
  • When is a door not a door?
    When it’s ajar.
  • What did the red light say to the green light?
    Don’t look, I’m changing.
  • What kind of music to chiropractors listen to?
    Mostly hip-pop.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.
  • Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
    Because he’s always lion.
  • How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
    He could feel his presents.
  • How did the barber win the race?
    He knew a short cut.
  • The last 25 corny jokes

  • What do baby kangaroos wear when it’s cold out?
    Jumpsuits.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Frostbite.
  • What do ants get when they do all their chores?
    An allow-ants.
  • How do you stop a bull from charging?
    Cancel its credit card.
  • What do a dog and a phone have in common?
    They both have collar ID.
  • What’s the most famous creature in the ocean?
    The starfish.
  • What lies at the bottom of the sea shaking?
    A nervous wreck.
  • What did the hat say to the scarf?
    You go ahead, I’ll hang around.
  • What do clouds wear under their shorts?
    Thunderpants.
  • What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?
    Close the door, I’m dressing.
  • Why are teddy bears never hungry?
    Because they’re always stuffed.
  • What’s so bad about Russian dolls?
    They’re all so full of themselves.
  • What would bears be without bees?
    Ears.
  • What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
    Nothing. They fast.
  • Why don’t skeletons watch scary movies?
    They just don’t have the guts.
  • Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
    Because it got stuck in a crack.
  • What did one egg say to the other?
    Eggs-cuse me, please.
  • What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
    A slipper.
  • How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
    With a cow-culator.
  • Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
    Because he was a little shellfish.
  • How does a squid go into battle?
    Well armed.



  • Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?
    The old Volks home.
  • Why doesn’t anyone want to shave a crazy sheep?
    Cause it’s a baaaaaaaaaad idea.
  • How many lips does a flower have?
    Tu-lips.
  • What do you call a boat with a hole in the bottom?
    A sink.
Imagine being approached by a stranger and he or she suddenly begins to tell you a joke. Could be fun right? However, the stranger tells you the most corny jokes you ever heard. How would you react? Well in this video, you will see how others react to the sudden joke attack on the street.

This video is created by “LAHWF”

Did you really read all the corny jokes? I actually don´t know how many exactly we have only that is more than 100. I hope you liked them and they made you smile or even laugh. If this is the case, how about sharing these with your family or friends. You could even share this website on Facebook or some other social media. Further down you will see many more categories you can enjoy or just pick them in the main menu. I hope you liked this page and remember to return as I always add more jokes categories and other funny stuff.

Have a great day.

Here is all the other categories we have

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Anti jokes https://top-funny-jokes.com/anti-jokes/ https://top-funny-jokes.com/anti-jokes/#respond Mon, 05 Jun 2017 04:32:29 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=764 As you all may know we at Top-funny-jokes.com like a good laugh. It is no surprise that we dabble in many different jokes categories and post them on this page. Not many know this but there is a category named Anti jokes. So what is Anti jokes, well it’s like a normal joke but without …

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anti jokesAs you all may know we at Top-funny-jokes.com like a good laugh. It is no surprise that we dabble in many different jokes categories and post them on this page. Not many know this but there is a category named Anti jokes. So what is Anti jokes, well it’s like a normal joke but without the normal punchline.

Anti jokes are like normal jokes, they build up, but when the meaning or punchline should be delivered there is simply none to be found. Some of them don’t even give any meaning. As an example we can take a look at a yo mama jokes: “Your mom’s so old, she’s probably going to die soon.” Some find these funny while others think they are weird and absolutely drain of any humor. So without any further presentation or explanation, here is a great list with many different Anti jokes.

  • The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
  • What do you call a Jewish cop?
    Officer.
  • An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
    Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because its a bird of prey.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  • The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
  • Why didn’t Johnny ride his bike to school?
    Both of his legs were amputated. He can’t ride a bike ever again.
  • What is brown, and bad for your dental health?
    A baseball bat.



  • The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
  • What do you call someone who kills a black person?
    Murderer.
  • When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will”.
  • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue.
    I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
  • I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.
  • I like my coffee like my women.
  • What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
    It’s cold.
  • Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
    Tax evasion.
  • Why do girls like Justin Bieber?
    Because he is a talented singer.
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
  • A guy walks into a bar.
    Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
  • What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
    Colors.
  • I ran into an old friend the other day.
    I was arrested for driving under the influence.
  • I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
  • What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
  • What is a vampire’s favorite dessert?
    Vampires aren’t real.
  • Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
  • Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
  • A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
    The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
  • My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
  • Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.
  • Take your age and add five years to it.
    That is your age in five years.
  • Knock Knock.
    Come in!
  • I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
  • Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.
  • What did the five fingers say to the face?
    Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
  • What do you call a fat hobo
    Whatever his name his.
  • Don’t trust people who do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.
  • What has two legs, and is red all over?
    Half a cat.
  • Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
  • Ahmed walks into Abbar.
  • There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
  • No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.



  • A fly buzzes in to a bar.
    The bar tender promptly swats it with a fly swatter.
  • Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
  • What group of people do cops target?
    Criminals
  • There are two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, “It sure is hot in here”. The other muffin says, “Yeah like 350, 375”.
  • A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
  • He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    Because it was dead.
  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  • Why could Jimmy not drive a tractor? Because he had no arms or legs. Why? Because he is a potato.
  • A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
  • I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
  • It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  • I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
  • What has five fingers and looks human?
    A severed hand.
  • I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head”.
  • The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
  • Why did the kid drop his phone?
    He was hit by a runaway train.
  • Read more great Anti jokes right here:

  • Why was the boy sad?
    Because he had a frog stapled to his face.
  • It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
  • What did the girl say when she was stung by a bee?
    Nothing, she was allergic.
  • Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.
  • I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
  • Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
  • A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
    The horse replies “My wife is dying of terminal cancer”.
  • A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.



  • Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
  • I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!
  • What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
    A bullet.
  • What did the homeless man get for christmas?
    Nothing.
  • There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
  • Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
  • Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
  • What’s black and white and red all over?
    A dead zebra.
  • I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
  • Your mom’s so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
  • Your momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
  • I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
  • I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
  • I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.
  • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  • How do you get rid of a cold?
    Turn the heating on.
  • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  • Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
  • How do you get a clown off a swing?
    Hit him with an axe.
  • What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
  • What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot.
  • I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
  • If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
  • A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
  • I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
  • I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
  • A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
  • Chuck Norris walked into a bar. He was greeted with much respect considering he was a talented actor.
  • I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.
  • Last 25 Anti jokes

  • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  • Why was six afraid of seven?
    It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
  • Two black guys go into a convenience store, Pay for their stuff and leave.
  • People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.
  • A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”



  • My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit.
  • What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  • An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
  • Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
  • Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
    Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
  • Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
    Because she’s dead.
  • A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
  • Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
    Because he was hit by a bus.
  • How do you confuse a blond?
    Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
  • Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
    Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
  • How do you stop a ginger from drowning?
    You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.
  • How do you make a plumber cry?
    You kill his family.
  • Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
    Because he is dead.
  • Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?
    Because she didn’t have any arms.
  • How do you make anti-freeze?
    Take away her blanket.
  • Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    To.
    To who?
    To whom!
  • What’s green and has wheels?
    Grass, I lied about the wheels.
  • Why are black people so good at basketball?
    Dedication and hard work.
  • What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.
Here is a great video with many funny anti jokes you and your friends can enjoy.

This video was created by “Randomdude”

So what did you think about these Anti jokes? Anticlimax is the right word to use with these king of jokes. But hey that’s the one thing great about us all. We all like different kind of thing and various humor. One may not like yo mama but these is just fine and the other way around.

I am always working to make this page better, looking for new jokes and categories I can add. The issue here is I am all alone, and I can’t do it all by myself. I need your help, if you know any jokes I yet have to add to this site, please tell me where you found them go just send them to my through the contact formular.

Have a great day.

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Yo mama jokes https://top-funny-jokes.com/yo-mama-jokes/ https://top-funny-jokes.com/yo-mama-jokes/#respond Sat, 03 Jun 2017 12:55:15 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=359 “Yo mama jokes” are hilarious and will crack you up. Even though we all have a mother we love and care about, these jokes are just too good to throw out. You can use these jokes on your friends, just make sure they don’t take this serious, use one or more of these, yo mama …

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yo mama jokes“Yo mama jokes” are hilarious and will crack you up. Even though we all have a mother we love and care about, these jokes are just too good to throw out. You can use these jokes on your friends, just make sure they don’t take this serious, use one or more of these, yo mama jokes and watch their reactions. Some of these can be quite harsh, so be careful not to upset anybody. Yo mama jokes makes fun of mothers in an nasty way. Here you will find jokes where mothers will be in conjunction with words like, fat, ugly, bald, old ect. Do you know a funny “Yo mama joke” that we do not yet have on this page yet, then submit it. Enjoy more than 230 different jokes about mothers!
  • Yo mama is so poor that she had to get a second mortgage on her cardboard box.
  • Yo mama is so old that her memory is in black and white.
  • Yo mama is so ugly that her pillow cries at night.
  • Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said “Hey miss, lost a shoe?” she said “Nope, just found one!”
  • Yo mama is so poor that she has to take the trash IN.
  • Yo mama is so old that she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
  • Yo mama is so ugly that she made an onion cry!



  • Yo mama is so stupid that she uses Old Spice for cooking.
  • Yo mama is so poor that she married young just to get the rice!
  • Yo mama is so fat that she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
  • Yo mama is so poor that she washes paper plates.
  • Yo mama is so poor that her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
  • Yo mama is so fat that she has more Chins than a Chinese phone book!
  • Yo mama is so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
  • Yo mama is so poor that your TV got 2 channels: ON and OFF.
  • Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.
  • Yo mama is so fat that that she cant tie her own shoes.
  • Yo mama is so ugly that she makes blind children cry.
  • Yo mama is so fat that she fell out of both sides of her bed.
  • Yo mama is so ugly that she could scare the flies off a shit wagon.
  • Yo mama is so old that when she farts, dust comes out.
  • Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
  • Yo mama is so poor that your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
  • Yo mama is so ugly that… well… look at you!
  • Yo mama is so fat that she went to the movie theatre and sat next to everyone.
  • Yo mama is so stupid that she thought Dunkin’ Donuts was a basketball team!
  • Yo mama is so poor that burglars break in and leave money.
  • Yo mama is so old that that when she was in school there was no history class.
  • Yo mama is so stupid that when she went for a blood test, she asked for time to study.
  • Yo mama is so ugly that she scared the crap out of the toilet.
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
  • Yo mama is so poor that she can’t afford to pay attention!
  • Yo mama’s so dumb that when she saw the “Under 17 not admitted” sign at a movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends.
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she steps on a scale, it reads “one at a time, please”.
  • Yo mama is so poor that the bank repossesed her cardboard box.
  • Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
  • Yo mama so fat she goes to KFC and licks other people’s fingers.
  • Yo mama so dumb when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
  • Yo momma so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.
  • Yo momma so fat Burger King hired her because she eats cows and shits hamburgers.
  • Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
  • Yo mama so ugly, even hello kitty said goodbye.



  • Yo mama so fat she ate a whole Pizza… Hut.
  • Yo mama is so dumb she got awarded the Nobel prize for stupidity.
  • Yo momma so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
  • Yo mama so dumb she sold her car for gasoline money!
  • Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her what’s she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.
  • Yo mama so fat that she don’t need the internet she’s already world wide.
  • Yo mama is so dumb not even Google could translate her.
  • Yo mama so butch, her dick is bigger than mine.
  • Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.
  • Yo mama so fat she just had a baby and said it was delicious.
  • Yo mama so greasy and fat she uses bacon as a band aid.
  • Yo momma is so stupid when your dad sad it was chilly outside, she ran out the door with a spoon!
  • Yo mama so fat all she wanted for Christmas is to see her feet.
  • Yo momma so stupid she stuck a battery up her ass and said, “I GOT THE POWER!”
  • Yo mama so dumb she thought a tsunami was a kind of Japanese sushi
  • Yo Momma’s so fat when I told her to touch her toes she said, “What are those”?
  • Yo mama so fat that she gave Dracula diabetes.
  • Yo momma is so hairy, when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said, “IT’S CHEWBACCA!”
  • Yo momma so fat and dumb, she tears apart computers looking for cookies.
  • Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
  • Yo mama so fat that when she took a selfie, Instagram crashed.
  • Yo momma is so fat when she sat on WalMart, she lowered the prices.
  • Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, “We can’t fix it.”
  • Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”
  • Yo mama so fat she went to a restaurant and got the group discount.
  • Yo momma’s so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
  • Yo mama is so stupid, when they said, “Order in the court,” she asked for fries and a shake.
  • Your momma is so ugly she made One Direction go the other way.
  • Yo mama so nasty she looks like an ogre and smells like puss in boots.
  • Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.
  • Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
  • Yo momma’s so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
  • Yo mama so fat her blood type is Nutella.
  • Yo momma is so fat that Dora can’t even explore her!
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.



  • Yo momma is so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
  • Yo mama so fat, every time she walks she does the Harlem shake.
  • Yo momma’s so dumb, when y’all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left,” so she went home.
  • Yo mama so ugly when Santa came down the chimney he said ho! ho! hoooollly shit!
  • Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
  • Yo mamma is so ugly when she took a bath the water jumped out.
  • Yo mama so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
  • Yo momma is so fat when she went to KFC the cashier asked, “What size bucket?” and yo momma said, “The one on the roof.”
  • Yo mama so dumb when yo father said let’s hit the Road she actually hit the road.
  • Yo momma is so fat that when she saw a yellow school bus go by full of white kids she ran after it yelling, “TWINKIE!”
  • Yo mama is so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica.
  • Yo momma is so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  • Yo mama so fat, they used Google Earth for her school photo.
  • Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application.
  • Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
  • Yo momma is so poor I saw her kicking a trash can so I asked, “What are you doing?” and she said, “I’m moving.”
  • Yo mama is so poor, she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.
  • Can you handle more of Yo mama jokes

  • Yo mamma is so fat she walked past the TV and I missed 3 episodes.
  • Yo mama so butch, her middle name is Rambo.
  • Yo momma’s so fat, she got baptized at Sea World.
  • Yo mama so dumb, she thought THE EXORCIST was a workout video.
  • Yo momma is so fat she sat on the rainbow and Skittles came out.
  • Yo mama so fat Mount Everest tried to climb her.
  • Your momma’s so ugly, when she goes into a strip club, they pay her to keep her clothes on.
  • Your mama so dumb she tried to climb mountain dew.
  • Yo momma’s so fat, that when she went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.
  • Yo mama like the Pillsbury dough boy. Everybody pokes her.
  • Yo momma is so stupid that she sat on the TV to watch the couch.
  • Yo Mama’s so dirty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.
  • Yo momma is so ugly she turned Medusa into stone.
  • Yo mamma so dumb she brought nuts to the Nutcracker.
  • Yo mamma is so ugly, she scared the shit out of the toilet.
  • Yo mama so stupid when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV she chased after them shouting “wait you forgot the remote”.



  • Yo momma’s so fat, she wore a black bathing suit to the pool and everyone yelled “oil spill!”
  • Yo momma is so dumb she stuck a phone up her ass to make a booty call.Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise.
  • Yo mama so fat, she masterbates to the food channel.
  • Yo mama so fat she wears a sock on each toe.
  • Yo mama so old her birth certificate says “expired”.
  • Yo momma is so poor she created a gmail account just so she can eat the spam.
  • Yo mama is so ugly that even Scooby Doo couldn’t solve that mystery.
  • Yo momma so fat she sued Xbox 360 for guessing her weight.
  • Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her.
  • Yo momma is poor when I sat on a skateboard she said (get of my family van).
  • Yo momma is so fat her favorite basketball team is the Denver Nuggets.
  • Yo mama is so dumb. She went to the eye doctor to buy an iPad.
  • Yo mama so dumb she went to the dentist to get her Bluetooth fixed.
  • Yo momma so butch, she’s twice the man you are.
  • Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”
  • Yo mama so fat she puts insurance on her food.
  • Your mom is so fat that she can’t fit in this joke.
  • Yo momma so fat her cereal bowl comes with a life guard.
  • Yo mamma is so dumb she goes to a White Castle, flushes the toilet and calls it a royal flush!
  • Yo mom is like a bowling ball, she is picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter and still comes back for more!
  • Yo Mama so dumb, she brought a ladder to go to HIGH SCHOOL!
  • Yo mama’s so dumb she returned a puzzle because it was broken.
  • Yo momma is so fat she shits lard.
  • Your mama so dumb that she thought seaweed was something that FISH SMOKE!
  • Yo mama so stupid, she tripped over a WIRELESS network!
  • Yo momma so fat when she sat on a penny and Abraham Lincolin said ouch.
  • Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
  • Yo mama so fat she’s the reason African kids are starving
  • Yo mama so dumb, she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining!
  • Yo mama so butch even her pool table has no balls.
  • Yo mama so dirty I told her to do the robot. And now R2D2 has AIDS
  • Yo mama so dumb she took a doughnut back cause it had a hole in it.
  • Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
  • Yo mama so fat she’s got her own area code!
  • Your mama so dumb she put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!



  • Yo mama so dumb, when she heard the middle of the road is where accidents happen, she went there and peed herself.
  • Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
  • Yo mama so fat she stuffed a turkey with her fat.
  • Yo Momma so fat, I bumped into her and said “Sorry, my mistake.” She said “Did you just say steak?”
  • Yo mama so ugly she had to trick or treat over the phone.
  • Yo mama so dumb she tried to drown a fish.
  • Yo mama so fat when God said let there be light, he asked her to move out of the way.
  • Yo mama so ugly her birth certificate was an apology from the condom factory.
  • Yo momma so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to work in the morning is the front door.
  • Yo mama so dumb she ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald’s and said, “Hold the cheese”.
  • Yo mama so dumb she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
  • Yo mama so dumb she couldn’t see the forest cause “the trees were blocking it.”
  • Yo mama so fat she needs cheat codes for Wii Fit.
  • Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, “Sorry, no professionals.”
  • Yo mama’s so cross-eyed, she thought her only child was a twin.
  • Yo mama so nasty I asked her how to spell PENIS, and she said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
  • Yo momma is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.
  • Yo mama so dumb when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  • Yo mama so dirty when she walk down the street poor people offer her soap.
  • Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
  • Yo mama so nasty she gave your daddy a blow job then came into your room and gave you a kiss goodnight.
  • Yo mama so fat she has two watches one for each time zone she’s in.
  • Yo mama so dirty, the roaches wrote her an eviction notice.
  • Yo Mama is so dumb, she thought a quarterback was an ATM.
  • Yo mama so nasty when she went to red lobster they kicked her out for bringing her own crabs.
  • Yo mama has so many teeth missing, that it looks like her tongue is in jail.
  • Read more hilarious Yo mama jokes

  • Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!
  • Yo mama so fat when she back up she beeps.
  • Yo mama’s so nasty, she stuck in a cucumber and pulled out a pickle.
  • Yo mama like humpty dumpty first she is humped then she is dumped.
  • Yo mama so fat she puts mayonnaise on her diet pills.
  • Yo mama so fat, her address is McDonalds.
  • Yo momma so dumb I told her christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
  • Yo mama so dumb if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.



  • Yo mama’s so nasty, she bit the dog and gave it rabies.
  • Yo mama so nasty she’s like a nascar driver she burns 50 rubbers a day!
  • Yo mama so dumb she went to the library to find Facebook.
  • Yo mama is like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods.
  • Your mama so fat the only letters in the alphabet she knows is KFC.
  • Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
  • Yo mama so fat shes on the seafood diet, she sees food and she eats it.
  • Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
  • Yo mama so dumb it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
  • Yo momma so dumb, the smartest thing to come out of her mouth was a penis.
  • Yo mama so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave.
  • Yo mama so lazy the only two letters of the alphabet she knows is NO.
  • Yo mama mouth is so big that she speaks in surround sound.
  • Yo mama so fat her favorite actor is Kevin Bacon.
  • Yo mama so fat, when she goes camping the bears hide their food.
  • Yo momma is so hairy she makes a gorilla look shaved.
  • Yo momma so lazy, she stuck her nose out the window and let the wind blow it.
  • Yo Mama’s so fat she uses a Snickers for a toothbrush.
  • Yo mamma is so hairy when she puts on a yellow dress she looks like big bird.
  • Yo mama so dumb that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
  • Yo mama so hairy and ugly when big foot saw her he thought she was his true love.
  • Yo mama so crossed eye she sees the future and the past at the same time!
  • Yo mama so fat when she gets a cut she bleeds milkshake.
  • Yo mamma so dumb she thought Starbucks was a bank.
  • Yo mama so dumb when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
  • Yo mama so fat when she was in school she sat by everybody!
  • Yo mama so hairy her butt hairs get clogged in the toilet when she flushes.
  • Yo Mamas so hairy, even her STD’s gets lost”!
  • Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPad and turned it into a Flat Screen TV.
  • Yo mamas so fat she has more rolls than a bakery!
  • Yo momma is so ugly when she looks in the mirror Bloody Mary goes away.
  • Yo momma is so fat she sat on Walmart and lowered the prices.
  • Yo mama so dumb when she saw a drive thru sign in McDonalds, she drove straight thru the building.
  • Yo mama so fat she jumped off the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
  • Yo mama so hairy, that you need a lawn mower for her back.



  • Yo mama so old they moved her out of the retirement home and in to the museum.
  • Yo mama so hairy when she moans she sounds like Chewbacca.
  • Yo mama so dumb when I told her a Tsunami hit, she said “Why didn’t you hit back?”.
  • The last 25 jokes about Yo mama

  • Your mom so fat when she got on the scale the doctor looked at the number and said “That’s my phone number.”
  • Yo momma so dumb she put paper on the tv ad and calls it paper view.
  • Yo mama is so fat, it took 3 years for Nationwide to get on her side.
  • Yo momma so fat that she has a gravitational pull.
  • Yo mama so dumb she thinks brownies are people with brown skin.
  • Yo momma chest so hairy her titties look like coconuts.
  • Yo mama so dumb I asked her what she does for a living and she said breathe.
  • Yo momma so cross eyed, her husband left her for seeing someone on the side.
  • Yo mama so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.
  • Yo mama so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
  • Yo mama’s legs are like the library, they’re always open to the public.
  • Yo mama so fat her stretch marks got stretch marks.
  • Yo mama so hairy when you’re baby brother was born, he died of rug burn.
  • Yo mama so dumb she stole free bread.
  • Yo mama is so fat she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.
  • Yo momma so fat, her car has stretch marks.
  • Yo momma so fat, she got stuck in an armless chair.
  • Yo mama so fat the shadow of her butt weighs fifty pounds.
  • Yo mama so fat that when she fell down the stairs, I wasn’t laughing but the stairs were cracking up.
  • Yo mama so ugly when she looks in the mirror Micheal Jackson sings beat it.
  • Yo mamma is so stupid she gave birth to you on the I-75 because she heard that’s where accidents happen.
  • Yo mama so dumb she got stabbed in a shootout.
  • Your mama so fat she has pictures of food in her wallet.
  • Yo mama so fat when she said beam me up Scotty he said, “I can’t your too heavy.”



  • Yo mama so dumb she asked you “What is the number for 911”.

Here is a great video with 100 Yo Mama Jokes. Created by Yo Mama

These Yo mama jokes are quite popular as a category. Why you ask? Well to be honest I don´t know. These jokes can be made in to Yo daddy jokes or something completely different, but there is no interest for it. It is apparently funnier to insult each other’s mothers.

I have received some questions about the category with “Yo mama jokes”, and here is my answers.

Who invented yo mama jokes?
It is said that the first “Yo mama” type jokes turned op from the ancient Babylonians about 3.500 years ago.
Incredible right.

What are some good yo mama jokes?
All is relative, the one´s you may find good or funny, another person will think the opposite. So it actually depends on the joke itself and the person reading it.

How to say yo mama jokes?
Remember the Yo mama jokes is like an insult. So you have to be insulting, for it to give it some extra power.

I hope you liked these Yo mama jokes. There is more where they came from. I’m organizing all the jokes right now, to get a better overview. Come back later and see the new Yo mama jokes. Have a nice day.

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Long time no see https://top-funny-jokes.com/long-time-no-see/ Sun, 21 May 2017 08:58:02 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=755 Hi Guys I have been a bit preoccupied this past month. My son started in preschool, my youngest started in kindergarten, there have been a lot of birthdays and so on… Therefore, I didn’t have the time to work on the website. But now I’m back and ready to work. First and foremost, I have …

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Hi Guys

Long time no seeI have been a bit preoccupied this past month. My son started in preschool, my youngest started in kindergarten, there have been a lot of birthdays and so on… Therefore, I didn’t have the time to work on the website. But now I’m back and ready to work.

First and foremost, I have detected an increase of visitors to this page, the first couple of month since February there have been a couple of hundreds visitors each month, but the couple of last day the amount of greatly increased dramatically. I can tell that there have been alone the past 2 day about 2000 visitors witch is amazing. I hope that this number will increase with time even more.

Now to the great stuff

Now, for those who don’t know this I have about 28 different categories of jokes on this page. With some research on which jokes people like to read I have decided to add 48 new categories. Yes, you heard me right, 48 new categories. So there’s going to be triple the amount of joke on this site before the end of this year. This is going to take me some time and I have to put a lot of man-hours in to this to get it done. But hey I would do it gladly so you all can have more jokes to enjoy.
I can reveal 5 different categories for those who are excited about this news.

  • Anti jokes
  • Dad jokes
  • Deez nuts jokes
  • Sex jokes
  • Lawyer jokes

I don´t know exactly when I will add them one by one, but I know it is going to be over the summer which is soon. And I probably going to post a category every second or third day. Oh by the way, I’m going to take a three weeks long vacation in the middle of July, so I probably won’t add anything new there. You know how it is, the wife want me to relax and spend all the time with kids and her, so there will be now work on my part in those three weeks.

Plans for the future

The worst-case scenario will be if this page gets stagnant. No new jokes, riddles or anything else. I therefor always have this website in mind, figuring out what I can do to make it batter, which thing I should add and which to remove.

comedyI have two big announcements to make or to share with you all.
The first one is something to do with comedy, yes comedy. I’m not going to be performing comedy, but there will be a great many thing to enjoy yourself with. This project going to take me some time but this is something I have thought about for a long time and I think it’s time to work on it. I probably will reveal it this year.

christmas supriseThe second thing will be a bit different, this is for all of you who like Christmas and what’s it is all about. I myself love Christmas and I cannot wait to start working on this project. As you know we are about to enter summer and the winter and the Christmas holydays a bit far in the future, so this secret or project will be revealed in September. I hope you can wait.

I think I have spent more than enough of your time for now.

Have a great day.
//Alex

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The bigger picture https://top-funny-jokes.com/the-bigger-picture/ Fri, 31 Mar 2017 10:52:27 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=746 For those of you who don’t know, this website: Top-funny-jokes.com was a part of a much bigger website The-funny-jokes.com. Back in December 2016 we had an average of 400.000 visitors every month. We saw a huge possibility to get even more visitors and even make money of it. But our plans did not match. So …

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The bigger pictureFor those of you who don’t know, this website: Top-funny-jokes.com was a part of a much bigger website The-funny-jokes.com. Back in December 2016 we had an average of 400.000 visitors every month. We saw a huge possibility to get even more visitors and even make money of it. But our plans did not match. So in Feb 2017 we decided to split. The url was his, so I bought him out and had to start all over again. Today the page has about 200-300 visitors every month. Yeah I know, not much, but I hope it will get many more in the future, I know that I have to work a lot to make it happen.

The old website had categories like:

  • Jokes
  • Quotes
  • Insults
  • Pick up lines
  • Riddles

My vision was to split the homepage in to different ones, because the “Quote” part of the website had a huge potential. So I removed quotes from this page and created another only with quotes and nothing else. You can visit it here: The-quotes.com
I will of course work on them both and will make them both great again.

Meanwhile, you can always visit and see our most visited categories:

What now?

Top-funny-jokes.com has 28 different jokes categories, 10 insults categories, 16 different Pick up lines categories and 17 categories with riddles. I have spent a huge amount of my time to make this site from scratch and I will continue working on it. I will add more content regularly. There will be other huge changes to the page, but don’t worry it will be for the better.

Why I created such a website?

I have always loved jokes, riddles etc. Back in 2014 I decided to create such a page. A page where others could enjoy a good joke, quote, riddle and so on. The page was not in English but in Danish. For those of you who don’t know it, I’m from Denmark. So yeah I created a Danish page for the Danish people. The country is much smaller than the United States. I think there is like 6-7 million people in the whole country. This was like a test for me. A year after I created the page, it became the biggest and most visited among all the others. I saw this as a huge success and decided to do the same here in the USA. I hope that this page will grow and get as huge as some of the biggest there is on the net.

Only with your help

I am a one man army, although I have all the skills to make this page great, I simply don’t have the time for it. The research to create or find new material is taking much of my time. So the only way I can get this site huge, is with your help. If you like a great joke, pick up line or some of the other may categories I have on this page, then help me. You don’t have to work or anything like that. The only thing I ask of you all is this. If you know any jokes, pick up lines, riddles or insults I don’t have on this site, then email me. I will put it on this page with your name attached to it.

Let´s make this site great together.

Have a great day.
Sincerely – Alexander – Top-funny-jokes.com

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Girlfriend jokes https://top-funny-jokes.com/girlfriend-jokes/ Sun, 26 Feb 2017 15:54:59 +0000 https://top-funny-jokes.com/?p=437 Although girlfriend jokes are not so sought after as many other jokes. I decided to give them their own category. I have had some girlfriend throughout my life and one of them is my wife today. They can be annoying yes, but treat them nice and they will treat you the same way. Here is …

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Girlfriend jokesAlthough girlfriend jokes are not so sought after as many other jokes. I decided to give them their own category. I have had some girlfriend throughout my life and one of them is my wife today. They can be annoying yes, but treat them nice and they will treat you the same way.
  • What do you call your ex-girlfriend with Pms and Esp?
    A bitch who thinks she knows everything.
  • My last girlfriend had a tattoo of a chameleon.
    Well that’s what she said, but I could never see it.
  • What is loud and obnoxious?
    You’re Girlfriend.
  • What does your girlfriend and a condom got in common?
    If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.
  • When meeting your girlfriend’s mother for the 1st time, always push her over to see what your girlfriend’s balance will be like when she is older.
  • Why is life like a penis?
    Your girlfriend make it hard!
  • My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
    Now I have two girlfriends.



  • After 5 years with my girlfriend, I decided it was time to tie the knot.
    Hopefully the gag stays on too and I can finally get some peace.
  • My ex was an absolute treasure. By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.
  • How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
    She fits into your wife’s clothes.
  • What do you call a girlfriend with an opinion?
    Wrong.
  • What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
    A $100 bill.
  • Why did God give men penises?
    So they’d have at least one way to shut their girlfriends up.
  • What book do women like the most?
    “Their boyfriend’s paycheck!”
  • The other night my girlfriend said, “Emo I’m seeing another man.”
    I said, “Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.”
  • More girlfriend jokes

  • Why did God invent the yeast infection?
    So your girlfriend know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.
  • Boyfriend: Wanna see a magic trick?
    Girlfriend: Sure, babe.
    Boyfriend: BAM! You’re single.
  • “If I were to lay eleven roses next to you, you’d make the perfect dozen.”
  • My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.
    So I said, “Alright fatty.”
  • What do you call a woman made out of garbage?
    Your ex-girlfriend!
  • Man: “Excuse me?”
    Woman: “Yea?”
    Man: “Would you touch this?” (holds out his sleeve)
    Woman: “Ok, why?”
    Man: “Does that not feel like boyfriend material?”
  • How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant?
    Marry Her!
  • Why is a girlfriend like a laxative?
    They both irritate the shit out of you.
  • What does fucking your girlfriend and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
    Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.
  • How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None, it should be opened when your girlfriend brings it to you.
  • “What is the difference between like and love?”
    Answer: “Spit and swallow.”
  • What did the artist say to his girlfriend?
    I really love you with all my art!
  • What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
    Hopefully your girlfriend.
  • What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
    Homeless.
  • What’s the difference between a Catholic girlfriend and a Jewish girlfriend?
    A Catholic girlfriend has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
  • My girlfriend said that I’m too immature for her.
    I said “If I’m immature, how come I’ve got an Arsfor?”
    She said “What’s an Arsfor?”
    “Shitting.” I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.
  • What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
    A girlfriend that won’t do what she’s told.
  • Why do women have tits?
    So men will talk to them.
  • Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?
    The thief was spending less then his girlfriend.
  • I took my girlfriend round to see my family today.
    My wife went fucking mental.
  • Why are girlfriends like condoms?
    They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.
  • Why shouldn’t you lie to your girlfriend when she’s on her period and has GPS?
    Because she’s a bitch & she will find you.
  • In an effort to be a gentleman, I stood aside and held the door open for my girlfriend.
    Two minutes later she said, “Can you please fuck off while I’m having a shit?”
  • What’s the difference between a girlfriend with PMS and a Pit Bull?
    Lipstick.
  • What is the difference between a Girlfriend and a washing machine?
    The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
  • Kissing your girlfriend on the cheek (good).
    Kissing girlfriend in the mouth (awesome).
    Kissing girlfriend in front of her ex (boss).



  • Skinny = anorexic.
    Thick = obese.
    Virgin = too good.
    Non-virgin = slut.
    Friendly = fake.
    Quiet = rude.
  • What should you give a man who has everything?
    A girlfriend to show him how to work it.
  • A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend.
    If she doesn’t get jealous when someone has your attention, it’s because someone has hers.
  • Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life.
    Like my name, address and telephone number.
    Society can never be pleased!
  • Be the girl his ex girlfriend will hate, his mom will love, and that he will never forget.
  • The world thinnest book has only one word written in it: “EVERYTHING”.
    The book title is: “WHAT WOMAN WANT”.
  • Your girlfriend is like a meat locker every guy wants to store his meat in her.
  • Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
    Twitter asks what I’m doing.
    Foursquare asks where I am.
    The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.
  • The last 15 girlfriend jokes

  • It’s bro’s before hoes, not bro’s over your girlfriend.
  • If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.
    Take her to the Gas Station.
  • Every girl is a ninja.
    It shows when someone touches her phone or her boyfriend.
  • Boyfriend: Just because you have your period doesn’t mean you can be a bitch.
    Girlfriend: Oh well just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you can be one.
  • Boyfriend: Do you want a kiss?
    Girlfriend: No.
    Boyfriend: Do you remember what I just said?
    Girlfriend: Do you want a kiss?
    Boyfriend: Yes, if you insist.
  • Girlfriends are like blue jeans.
    They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
  • Boyfriend: Dear do you know that exams are like girlfriend?
    Girlfriend: How funny?
    Boyfriend: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful.
  • Boyfriend: “Hey babe, you smell that?”
    Girlfriend: “No.”
    Boyfriend: “Me neither, start cooking.”
  • Boyfriend: “Life’s a bitch, just like you.”
    Girlfriend: “Actually life is short, just like your dick.”
  • Girlfriend: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me. Boyfriend: What a joke? Okay then, let’s start with Kisses!”
  • Girlfriend: “Go to hell.”
    Boyfriend: “I’m sorry, I can’t go to hell. They kicked my ass out. I was caught selling ice.”
  • Girlfriend: Ily.
    Boyfriend: Awww spell it out to make it more romantic.
    Girlfriend: I’m leaving you.
  • Girlfriend : Babe , What’s Your Fav Position?
    Boyfriend : When I get on one knee and make you my wife.
  • Boy: b*tch.
    Girl: I’ve been called worse before.
    Boy: Ha, like what?
    Girl: You’re girlfriend.
  • Boyfriend: Amazing world, only 25% boys have common sense, very short figure!
    Girlfriend: What about Rest?
    Boyfriend: Well rest have GIRLFRIENDS!
Here is a video with Girlfriend Jokes (Created by StandUpBits – Stand Up Comedy – Daily Funny!)

I hope you liked these girlfriend jokes, I have many more category’s you can check out.

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