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Adult jokes

adult jokesHere you have a specific category for adults. Here you will find mischievous, sassy, sexy and naughty jokes are not intended for children. If you have not turned 18 yet and you’ve arrived at this page, you should not read further, we advice you to choose another joke catagory we have instead. Adults jokes are strictly for adults.

  • “A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” Then stormed off to work.
    By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
    “I was in bed,” she replied.
    “What were you doing in bed this late?”
    “Getting a second opinion.”
  • Unexpected sex – that’s a great way to wake up.
    If you are not in a prison.
  • A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, “What were you and daddy doing?” The mom said, “We were baking a cake.” A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, “Were you and daddy baking a cake?” She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, “Because I licked the frosting off the couch.”
  • Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
    A cucumber.
  • A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”


  • “A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
    Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.”
  • What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
    Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
  • Having sex is like playing bridge.
    If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  • What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
    A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
  • Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.
  • Why did the woman cross the road?
    Who cares – what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
  • Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
    The grass tickles their balls.
  • Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?” The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.” The first man asks “Can I make a wish? ” Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing” “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says ” I want a Million Bucks ” The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other ” Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?” The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”
  • When do you kick a midget in the balls?
    When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
  • Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
  • Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.
  • The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?” Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
  • What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
    Your job still sucks!
  • More adult jokes

  • A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
    Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
    At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
    Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
  • How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
    By becoming a ventriloquist!
  • A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
  • Why can’t Jesus play hockey?
    He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
  • Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.” “I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?” “Well, it’s where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, ‘boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.’ Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds.”
  • How do you get a nun pregnant?
    Dress her up as an alter boy.
  • Yesterday’s news: A blond jogging at the park was rapped.
    Today’s news: Hundreds of blonds are jogging at the park!
  • How do you kill a circus clown?
    Go for the juggler!
  • What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
    A $100 bill!
  • “Babe is it in?” “Yea.” “Does it hurt?” “Uh huh.” “Let me put it in slowly.” “It still hurts.” “Okay, let’s try another shoe size.”
  • A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS.
    His son asked Dad why? He answered, so that when I am dead, no one will chase your mum.
  • Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose??
    “Yeah, they couldn’t close his casket.”
  • What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
    A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
  • Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
  • Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
    Because his wife died!
  • Who was the worlds first carpenter?
    Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.


  • Three words to ruin a man’s ego.
    “Is it in?”
  • There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, “If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times.”
  • What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
  • What do you call a cheap circumcision?
    A rip off.
  • What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
    At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
  • Mommy please make me a sandwitch…
    Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!
    So how I supose to call you?
    Like everybody – Steven.

  • Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican?
    They steal all the green cards.
  • A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
  • Why don’t orphans play baseball?
    They don’t know where home is.
  • How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
    When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.
  • What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
    They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns.
  • Girl: “Hey, what’s up?”
    Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
  • A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
  • What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
    Tug-of-whore.
  • I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
  • If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live?
    In the hood.
  • What’s slimy, cold, long and smells like pork?
    Kermit the frogs finger.
  • Why do they call it PMS?
    Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
    I guess he liked seasoned professionals.
  • What’s a porn star’s favorite drink?
    7 Up in cider.
  • What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
    You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
  • How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    Kick his sister in the jaw.
  • What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys?
    Steve Nash.
  • Whats 72?
    69 with three people watching
  • An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
  • A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian.”
    The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?”
  • A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis.
    Her mom said: “You should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue”.
  • A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
  • Why don’t black people go on cruises?
    They already fell for that trick once.
  • Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
    For fingering A minor.
  • A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.
    The mom asks, “Why on Earth do you need that?!”
    The little boy says, “Isn’t that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn’t get hard?”
  • What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
    A little get together.
  • What do you call an afghan virgin?
    Never bin laid on
  • Great adult jokes

  • Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
    Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
  • The bible teaches us to love, and Kamasutra shows how to do that.
  • Why did God give men penises?
    So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.


  • What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
    E.T. eventually went home!
  • Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane,” said the judge. Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s f*cking Goofy!”
  • If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
  • What did the elephant say to a naked man?
    Hey that’s cute but can you breath through it?
  • What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
    A lickalotopis.
  • What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
    Where you put the cucumber.
  • What do girls and noodles have in common?
    They both wiggle when you eat them.
  • What did One gay sperm say to another?
    How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
  • Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
    Because the ‘p’ is silent.
  • I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
    She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!”
    I said, “Wow!”
    Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”
  • What do you call two fat people talking?
    A heavy discussion.
  • What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
    Anyone can roast beef.
  • Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
    Because he was looking for Pooh.
  • Did you hear about the African American girl who was quiet during the movie?
    She wasn’t.
  • What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
    A virgin.
  • Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
    He was shooting for the stars.
  • What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
  • Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
    He joined the que que que.
  • How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
    Roll a 40 down the street.
  • Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    They don’t have balls to scratch.
  • Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde?
    If you don’t know what hole to put it in neither do they.
  • What kind of bees produce milk?
    Boobies.
  • What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
    A tearjerker.
  • What do you call ball’s on your chin?
    A dick in your mouth!
  • A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”
  • What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs?
    Cuntswaylow.
  • What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
    A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off.
  • What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me!
  • What did the penis say to the vagina?
    Don’t make me cum in there.
  • What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a pool?
    Vegetable soup.
  • How do you rape a camel?
    One hump at a time.
  • What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
    Hairballs.
  • What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
    Her navel.
  • Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
    They both suck for four quarters.
  • What’s the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist?
    One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs!


  • Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
    He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!
  • A boy says to a girl, “So, sex at my place?” “Yeah!” “Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we’re making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?” Later on the girl is yelling, “Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!” The younger brother says, “Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!”
  • What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
    By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
  • What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
    Erotic is using a feather – Kinky is using the whole chicken.
  • What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
    Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
  • What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
    A piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye!
  • What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
    Wiped his ass.
  • Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?
    He got behind in his work.
  • How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
  • What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?
    FUCKS FUNNY.
  • Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
    Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
  • When does a cub become a boy scout?
    When he eats his first Brownie.
  • One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
    – Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
    Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
    – Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
    – Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, – tells the wife
    Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
    – Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
    – Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.
    Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
    – Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
    Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
    – Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.
    Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
    – You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay
  • What did one broke hooker ask the other?
    Lend me $10 till I’m on my back again.
  • What’s the difference between a redneck and poor white trash?
    A redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her.
  • Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping?
    You’re dead, if the rubber breaks.
  • What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
    A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
  • What is the metric equivalent of 69?
    1 ate 1.
  • Sex without condoms is magical.
    A baby appears and father disappears.
  • What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
    They both only change their pads after every third period!
  • What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
    Snowballs.
  • Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
    The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
  • What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
    Miracle Whip.
  • Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband:
    “Honey, I have a sad news – a gynecologist told me not have sex for a three weeks.”
    Husband: “and what the dentist said?”
  • What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
    The back of my hand.
  • What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
    Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
  • Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
    Slick her hair back she looks 15..
  • Conversation in the immigration office at airport in the US:
    – Your name, Sir.
    – Bakshish Abdul
    – Sex
    – Three times a day…
    – I mean male or female?
    – Doesn’t matter.
  • What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
    They both don’t work and always take your money.
  • What do you call 2 jalepenos haveing sex?
    Fucking hot!
  • What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
    The PGA tour.
  • What is a vagina?
    The box a penis comes in.
  • Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
    Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”
    Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
    Bill: “No, but my sister has.”
  • How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
  • How is a woman like a road?
    Both have manholes.


  • “My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
    ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
    I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’
  • How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
  • As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
    She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
  • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
    I want you inside me!
  • How do you kill a retard?
    Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”
  • What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?
    A Selfie!
  • Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
    Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”
  • How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
    Trust me.
  • What kind of bird gives the best head?
    A swallow!
  • How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
    Pull some strings.
  • What will it take to get a Beatles reunion?
    2 Bullets.
  • How do you keep a French person from crashing your party?
    Put a sign up that says “no nudity”
  • Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
    Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done.
  • Why can’t Jesus eat m&m’s?
    Because he has holes in his hands.
  • Why Are crippled people always picked on?
    Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
  • What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
    A bucking horse.
  • What would happen if you cut off your left side?
    You would be all right.
  • Why did the boy fall off the swing?
    He didn’t have any arms.
  • What is a crack head’s favorite song?
    I wanna rock!
  • How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
    She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
  • What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?
    Lettuce alone without dressing.
  • How do you get retards out of a tree?
    Wave to them!
  • How many parrots can you fit down a man’s pants?
    Depends on the length of the perch.
  • Whats worse than getting fingered by Captain Hook?
    Getting raped by jack the ripper.
  • What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
    Crabs on your organ.
  • What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
    Anything you want.
  • What do you call a Muslim stripper?
    Youseen memuff.
  • What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
    About three inches.
  • Why are black men penises bigger than white men?
    Because as kids white men had toys to play with!
  • What’s the difference between you and eggs?
    Eggs get laid and you don’t.
  • Why did the Mafia cross the road?
    Forget about it.
  • What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
    Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
  • What is the flattest surface you can iron your jeans in?
    A white girl’s bottom.
  • How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    None they just beat the room for being black.
  • What do you call a girl with no feet?
    Peggy.
  • Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
    Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
  • What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
    Good morning ladies.
  • What did the letter O say to Q?
    Dude, your dick is hanging out.
  • What do you call a gay drive by?
    A fruit roll up.
  • What do doctors prescribe for a sore asshole?
    Bengay. (“Been gay.”)


  • What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
    A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush.
  • Why are pubic Hairs so curly?
    So they don’t poke her eye out.
  • After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
    She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
  • What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door?
    A nun with a spear through her head.
  • What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A bingo machine.
  • Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
    A Crane!
  • What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
    A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
  • Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
    Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
  • What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
    Beat it, we’re closed.
  • Did you hear about the paparazzo who was found eating unborn children?
    He was found in the abortion clinic bins looking for the inside scoop.
  • What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire?
    Cocksucker!
  • Whats long hard and full of seamen?
    A submarine.
  • Who was the most well known Jewish cook?
    Hitler!
  • What’s the difference between onions and prostitutes?
    I cry when I cut up onions.
  • Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
    They named him Sum Ting Wong.
  • Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives.
    Drinking, Licking, sucking, fucking and wanking.
  • What’s the difference between love and herpes?
    Love doesn’t last forever.
  • What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
    A trip without the kids!
  • How do you bring a man back from the dead?
    You suck on his dick until he cums back.
  • Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
    Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
  • Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
    The wheelchair!
  • What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
    AIDS!
  • Whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
    A white owl says, “hoot, hoot” a black owl says, “who dat, who dat.”
  • What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
    A PDF File.
  • If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?
    IHOP!
  • Why doesn’t Tom Cruise eat bananas?
    He can’t find the zipper!
  • How did you get a fat chick into bed?
    A Piece of Cake.
  • How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    It’s not hard.
  • Why did the Indians come to America first?
    Because they had reservations.
  • What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
    Virgin Mobile.
  • What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    45 lbs.
  • What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
    Their last big hit was “The Wall”
  • When is an Elf not an Elf?
    When she’s sucking your cock, then she’s a goblin.
  • How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
    Call her and tell her.
  • What is white at the top and black at the bottom?
    Society!


  • What do you call a woman who can’t make sandwiches?
    Single.
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with a chicken?
    A clucking gobbler.
  • Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra?
    She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
  • Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    Because they have cotton balls.
  • What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
    Vomit.
  • What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
    A cherry float.
  • What do you call a bunch of Asians in a pool?
    Rice Krispies.
  • What do you call a guy from India that has done everything?
    Bindar Dundat.
  • What’s the job application to Hooters?
    They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
  • What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
    A wet nose.
  • What do you call a judge with no balls?
    Justice Prick.
  • What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?
    A fuckin know-it-all!
  • What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?
    “You Beat It, and I’ll cumma cumma cum.”
  • Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
    Telling your parents that you are gay.
  • What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator?
    Two flies in a bottle.
  • What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
    A Fire Cracker!
  • How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
    She could taste the blood on her son’s dick!
  • What do you call lesbian twins?
    Lick-a-likes.
  • Why don’t blind people skydive?
    It scares the shit out of their dogs!
  • Why do African Americans only have nightmares?
    Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream!
  • Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
    He could read lips!
  • What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    Doughnuts.
  • Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
    Because his pecker is on his head!
  • What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
    It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
  • What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
    Spit, swallow, and gargle.
  • Whats the difference between light and hard?
    You can go to sleep with a light on!
  • What do you call a Chinese midget?
    Tai Nee.
  • What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
    Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
  • Why did God create orgasms?
    So women can moan even when they’re happy.
  • What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
    “I’ll see you next month.”
  • Why do they call it the wonder bra?
    When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
  • Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
    You can drop them off anywhere.
  • What’s sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
    Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.
  • What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t masturbate?
    A liar.


  • Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide?
    He got himself into a real stew.
  • How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
    Very satisfying.
  • Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
    They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.
  • What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
    I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

  • What’s even better than winning the Special Olympics.
    Not being a retard.
  • What did one tampon say to the other?
    Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
  • What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
    Gang rape.
  • Why do Asian girls have small boobs?
    Because only A’s are acceptable.
  • But do you know what 6.9 is?
    A good thing screwed up by a period.
  • What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case?
    Branch Manager.
  • What do you call a white guy with a huge dick?
    Michael Jackson.
  • What is the square root of 69?
    Ate something.
  • Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
    Line dancing at a nusing home.
  • What do you call Iron Man without his suit?
    Stark naked!
  • If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time.
    There would be world peace for at least two hours.
    Followed by a global food shortage.
  • What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
    They can smell it but they cant eat it!
  • What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
    The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
  • Why did Pizza Hut stop delivering pizza to the ghetto?
    Cuz they were told that Dominoes was always getting played!
  • What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
    The more you play with it the harder it gets.
  • How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
    You have to chew before you swallow!
  • Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    Ask your mother!
  • What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time?
    Cumming of Age.
  • What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
    Your mom can’t take a joke.
  • What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
    A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
  • What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
    If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
  • Why did god invent alcohol?
    So fat women can get laid too.
  • Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
    A blond electrician.
  • What do you call a persian that smokes pot?
    Harry Potter!
  • What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
    A microwave doesn’t brown your meat!
  • What have women and condoms got in common?
    If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.
  • How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game?
    Call B52
  • What is the definition of Confidence?
    When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, “You’re next Baby!”
  • What do pimps and farmers have in common?
    They both need a hoe to stay in business.
  • What is the most common crime in China?
    Identity Fraud.
  • What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
    The NBA.
  • What’s warm, wet, and pink?
    A pig in a hot tub.


  • Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off?
    Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!
  • What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
    Seizure Salad.
  • Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster?
    She was scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced.
  • Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
    You can unscrew a light bulb.
  • Why is sperm white and piss yellow?
    So you know if you’re cumming or going.
  • How do you stop a clown from smiling?
    Shoot him in the face!
  • What’s the best part of gardening?
    Getting down and dirty with my hoes.
  • What do you call a country where everyone is pissed?
    A urination.
  • What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar?
    Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there.
  • What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
    I can’t get a hard-on because I was just layed.
  • What do you call a Chinese rapist?
    Rai Ping Yu.
  • If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.
  • What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?
    Your wife will always blow your bonus!
  • How do you make a pool table laugh?
    Tickle its balls.
  • How do you eat a squirrel?
    You spread its little legs.
  • What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?
    Papa Boner.
  • The last 30 adult jokes

  • Did you hear about the hitman who’s also a janitor at the aquarium?
    He sweeps with the fishes!
  • What do u call hooker that likes it in her ass?
    A crack whore.
  • What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
    Addictionary.


  • What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
    Art.
  • Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested?
    He was charged with battery.
  • Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher?
    Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.
  • Why is Santa so jolly?
    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
  • Why did the snowman smile?
    Because the snowblower is coming.
  • One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
    Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
  • Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not fucking blue.
  • Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
    He only comes once a year.
  • Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid?
    He said he could stop anytime<,/li>

  • A vagina is like the weather.
    Once its wet, it’s time to go inside
  • After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.
    If my wife finds out, she’ll f**king kill me.
  • How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it’s gay?
  • Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
    A fake name and a fake number.
  • It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn’t block access to porn sites on the internet.
  • A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. ‘Do you want a bag?’, the cashier asks.
    ‘No’, the guy says, ‘she’s not that ugly’
  • The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.
  • Women fake orgasms to have relationships.
    Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
  • I got raped by an alligator the other day.
    I think I have gatoraids.
  • When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place?
  • Everything is made in China.
    Except for baby girls.
  • A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said “Bend over and spell run.” So she bent over next thing she new there was a sharp pain she said “R U N” The perverted guy said “As far as I can go.”
  • Diarrhea is hereditary.
    It runs in your jeans.
  • A penis is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.
  • Why is it called “taking a dump” when you are leaving one!
  • White people fairy tales: Once upon a time.
    Black people fairy tales: Yall motherfuc*as ain’t believe ds’ shit!
  • Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches.
    This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.
  • Real men don’t wear pink, they eat it.
Want more? Here is a video with Adult jokes (Created by Smile)

Do you know of other fun and mischievous jokes I have yet to put in this list. Please send them to me. You can do it two different ways. Either write the joke as a comment or send it in with our
submit form. I update all categories regularly and there will of course be many more adult jokes in the future.

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