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Good insults

Good insultsHere is a long list of good insults you can use on people who annoy you. Do not use them as a bully, but answers back to people who are bullies. You can also use them on your friends or family that would find them funny.

  • If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’d be glad to do so for you.
  • You smell – athletic.
  • Converse with any plankton lately?



  • If I throw a stick, will you go away?
  • Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  • I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
  • You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
  • Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
  • I can lose weight, but you’ll always be ugly.
  • The last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana.
  • Are your parents siblings?
  • If stupidity was painful, you’d be in agony.
  • Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
  • More of the Good insults

  • If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change.
  • Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
  • Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either.
  • He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
  • Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop.
  • Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
  • You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
  • Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?
  • I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  • Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
  • If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
  • He’s so dense that light bends around him.
  • If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
  • He’s got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.
  • I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
  • I bet your mother has a loud bark!
  • How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • He’s the reason brothers and sisters shouldn’t marry.
  • You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.



  • Hey, act your age – senile!
  • If you had one more brain cell, it would be lonely.
  • I can’t talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?
  • I’m not offended by what you say. I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
  • How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?
  • If brains were dynamite, you would not have enough to blow your nose.
  • I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
  • Don’t let your mind wander…it’s far too small to wander on its own.
  • I hear what you’re saying but I just don’t care.
  • Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
  • I certainly hope you are sterile.
  • I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
  • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
  • Anybody who told you to just be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
  • I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
  • You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.
  • I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.
  • Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don’t you make sure the pool has water in next time?
  • If you had another brain like the one you’ve got, you’d still be a half-wit.
  • Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
  • If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.
  • I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire!
  • I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
  • I’d rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  • If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents!
  • I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
  • I’ve come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.



  • I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you never use it.
  • I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  • You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
  • Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
  • If you are going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.
  • I’m blonde, what’s your excuse?
  • What’s the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don’t.
  • I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
  • I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!
  • I’m not as dumb as you look.
  • You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
  • Please breathe the other way. You’re bleaching my hair.
  • I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
  • Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
  • Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!
  • Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
  • Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
  • Some day you will find yourself – and wish you hadn’t.
  • If you’re gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you’re just an ass.
  • Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
  • Great selection of Good insults

  • There’s only one problem with your face, I can see it.
  • The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
  • I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.
  • The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.
  • It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
  • Some people don’t hesitate to speak their minds because they have nothing to lose.
  • You shouldn’t play hide and seek, no one would look for you.
  • Talk is cheap, but so are you.
  • Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.



  • There is no vaccine against stupidity.
  • Shut up, you’ll never be the man your mother is.
  • The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
  • Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
  • Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
  • At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn’t hit me in the face.
  • Too bad stupidity isn’t painful.
  • The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
  • They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
  • I’d slap you, but shit stains.
  • Thinking isn’t your strong suit, is it?
  • When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.
  • What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his butt back?
  • We all spring from apes but you didn’t spring far enough.
  • How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?
  • You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
  • Do you know how long it takes for your mother to take a crap? Nine months.
  • Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?
  • If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
  • When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.
  • The last 20 Good insults

  • If I were to slap you, it would be considered animal abuse!
  • Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
  • Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.
  • You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car.
  • You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
  • You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat’s ass.
  • It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
  • You’re so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.
  • Well I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
  • You should be the poster child for birth control.



  • Oh my God, look at you. Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
  • You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
  • You’re so ugly, the only dates you get are on a calendar.
  • You grow on people – like a wart!
  • You’re not funny, but your life, now that’s a joke.
  • You’ve got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.
  • You’re so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
  • Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
  • You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
  • A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
  • Don’t feel sad, don’t feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.
I hope you enjoyed these good insults. Remember to come back again, I will upload some new insults regularly. If you know some good insults that are not on this page yet, then submit them.

Other categories of insults

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