Short jokes

• • Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
    Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
    Doctor: “Nine.”

 

• • Doctor: You’re overweight.
    Patient: I think I want a second opinion.
    Doctor: You’re also ugly.

 

• • I hate teachers who give homework over break. Like do you not understand what a break is? Do you want me to demonstrate on your neck?

• • My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
    It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

 

• • Old people poke me at weddings and tell me “your next”
    So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

• • I’d like to buy a new boomerang please.
    Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?

 

• • Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.
    But hell does that burn!

 

• • Most commen lies ever told:
    “I didn’t do it”
    “I’m fine”
    “I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions”

 

• • A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.
    The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
    “Och, I look like a pig!”
    The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”

 

• • Boy: Dad, I got expelled from school.
    Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!
    Boy: A kid said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
    Dad: So?
    Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.
    Dad: That’s my boy.

 

• • Pessimist: “Things just can’t get any worse!”
    Optimist: “Nah, of course they can!”

 

• • Wikipedia: “I know everything”.
    Google: “I have everything”.
    Facebook: “I know everybody”.
    Internet: “Without me you’re nothing”.
    Electricity: “Keep talking, b*tches”.

 

• • A naked women robs a bank.
    Nobody could remember her face.

 

• • Dear Alegbra,
    Please stop asking everyone to find your x. She’s not coming back.

 

• • Why do cows wear bells?
    Their horns don’t work.

 

• • Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, Neil A. backwards is Alien.
    Anyone else freaked out right now?

 

• • I change my car horn to a gunshot sound.
    People move out of the way a lot faster now.

 

• • A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body…. and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 

• • Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
    Husband: wait until he cries.
    Wife: why?
    Husband: because i cant find him.

 

Great short jokes

• • Doctor says to his patient:
    “You have Cancer and Alzheimer.”
    Patient: “At least I don’t have Cancer.”

 

• • A clown and a little girl walk through a dark forest.
    The girl says, “I’m scared!”
    The clown replies, “You think you’re scared?
    I have to walk back alone!

 

• • I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

 

• • Twinkle Twinkle little star.
    I wanna hit you with a car.
    Throw you off a tree so high.
    Hope you break your neck and die!
    Twinkle Twinkle little star.
    Go to hell it isnt far.

 

• • What is dangerous?
    Sneezing while having diarrhea!

 

• • A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
    Boy: “Why do you look so fat?”
    Pregnant woman: “I have a baby inside me”.
    Boy: “Is it a good baby?”
    Pregnant woman: “Yes, it is a very good baby”.
    Boy: “Then why did you eat it?”

 

• • “Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance?”
    “So you can all be really sad when I die.”

 

• • Something To Do Before You Die:
    Dress up in a duck costume and throw bread at people and scream “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!?!?!”

 

• • Lazy fact #1568426268566985699866.
    You were too lazy to even read the first 5 letters of that number.

 

• • After Tuesday even the calendar goes W-T-F.

 

• • I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
    He said he can’t complain.

 

• • How do you stop a fat robber from stealing your TV?
    Tell him you don’t have the food network on it.

 

• • I heard women love a man in uniform.
    Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.

 

• • My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry.
    So I threw an apple at his face.

 

• • Bill gates farted on an “Apple” store and stunk up the place, but its their fault for not having “Windows”.

 

• • What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
    Find the nearest skyscraper.

 

• • Love is like a fart, if you force it, it’s probably crap.

 

• • Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?
    “Ask your sister”
    I don’t have a…

• • The color red white and blue represents freedom.
    Until it’s flashing in the back of your car.

 

• • You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!
    Everybody!

 

• • Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

 

• • It’s amazing how potatoes give us chips, fries and vodka.
    Other vegetables seriously need to get their shit together!

 

• • Friend: I wasn’t that drunk!
    Me: Dude you asked your girlfriend if she was single.

 

• • I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

 

• • A Boss is like a diaper, always on your ass and usually full of shit.

 

• • Whats looooong and hard?
    Math Class.

 

• • I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

 

• • 911: Hello, this is 911 emergencies, how may i help you?
    Me: My friend is dead.
    911:Are you sure he is dead.
    Me: Let me check (gunshot)
    Me: Yep.

 

• • My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

 

• • Earlier today in court
    Judge: State your name.
    Me: Not Guilty
    Judge: What?
    Me: I had it legally changed.
    Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
    Me: *moonwalks outta there*

 

• • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

 

• • This girl i was dating called me and said, “Come on over there’s nobody home.
    I rushed over to her house.
    There was nobody home, that b*tch.

 

• • I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

 

• • I send flowers “From Steve” to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn.

 

• • Sometimes I wonder What the f*ck was going on in the head of the first person to look at a cow, squeeze the gross pink things, watch a thick, white liquid come out, and announce,” I’m gonna drink that”.

 

• • I tried to catch some fog the other day.
    Mist.

 

• • For anyone who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.

 

• • I know 8 facts about you
    1: You are obviously reading this (Keep at it)
    2: Trust me, you can’t say “m” Without touching your lips!
    3: You tried it.
    4: You are smiling
    6: You are smiling or laughing again!
    7: Ha you didn’t notice I missed fact 5!
    8: Ya checked it.

 

• • What’s the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.

 

Many more short jokes

• • Call a girl beautiful a 1000 times and she’ll never notice.
    But call her fat just once and she’ll never forget.
    Elephants never forget.

 

• • Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

 

• • My doctor told me that i needed to watch my drinking.
    Now i drink in front of a mirror.

 

• • So I went to Suicide Bombing Class and the teacher said, “Okay now pay attention!
    I’m gonna do this once!”

 

• • Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.

 

• • How do you make holy water?
    You boil the hell out of it.

 

• • Why do midgets laugh when they run?
    Because the grass tickles their balls.

 

• • Light travels faster than sound.
    This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

 

• • The 3 things that the most people lie about on the internet:
    1: Yes, I am 18 or older.
    2: I have read and accept the terms and conditions.
    3: Hold on, I’ll be right back.

 

• • I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

 

• • How people deal with insults
    Pre-school: *cries* I’m telling
    Primary school: Go away, leave me alone
    Middle school: Get sucked
    High school: You got a problem b*tch?

 

• • Three blondes walk into a building.
    You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.

 

• • Go to the pet store and buy birdseed then ask the clerk how long will the birds take to grow.

• • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

 

• • Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
    Caller: Help! My wife is in labor and I don’t know what to do!
    Operator: Is this her firstborn?
    Caller: No, this is her husband.

 

• • Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
    Because they taste funny.

 

• • A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing alone.

 

• • Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
    Because she threw out all the bent ones.

 

• • The only B word you should call a girl by is beautiful.
    Bitches love to be called beautiful.

 

• • Why did the policeman smell bad?
    He was on duty.

 

• • Just bumped into a mannequin & said “sorry”.
    Then said “Oh I thought you were a person”.
    Then realized I was still talking to a mannequin.

 

• • A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”.
    Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”

 

• • A Sergeant Major stands before one of his corporals and says
    ” I didn’t see you at camouflage class last night corporal Jones”
    ” Thank you sir ” replied the corporal.

 

• • How do you get 100 old ladies to yell f*ck?
    Have another one of them say bingo.

 

• • Me: Have you seen the new movie called constipated?
    Friend: No
    Me: It’s because it hasn’t come out yet.

 

• • Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

 

• • When I said b*tch in class my teacher suspended me, i don’t know what they have against dogs.

 

• • I hate when people say you don’t need alcohol to have fun.
    I mean, you don’t need running shoes to run but they freckin help.

 

• • Don’t break hearts there’s only one.
    So break bones, there’s 206

 

• • World shortest scary story.
    The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

 

• • What do you do with a dead chemist.
    You Barium.

 

• • I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
    I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

 

• • Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here”.
    The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”

 

• • If a firefighters business can go up in smoke and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

 

• • Son: Dad, whats it like to have a handsome son?
    Dad: I don’t know, ask your grandpa.

 

• • And the Lord said to John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
    But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

 

• • What’s the difference between a white iphone and a black iphone?
    The black iphone runs faster.

 

• • How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, they just beat the room for being black.

 

• • Why does a man ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?
    He is tired of using his own!

 

• • A nutritionist and a doctor are in love with the same girl. One day the girl is to travel for five days so the nutritionist gives her five apples and says “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”.

 

• • I think i want a job cleaning mirrors, It’s just something i could really see myself doing.

 

The last 15 short jokes

• • I hate it when people see me at the store and say what are you doing here.
    Then I say oh you know hunting elephants.

 

• • That moment when you did not hear what your mom said so you respond with a “sure'” and then your stuck cleaning the toilet for the rest of the month.

 

• • Last Christmas I gave you my heart…
    …so I’ve been dead for a year now.

 

• • Roses Are Red
    Violets Are Blue
    God Made Me
    What The Hell Happened To You?

 

• • Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.
    Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!”
    Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

 

• • You know when a comeback is bad.
    When you have to explain it.

 

• • “And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right.
    Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide.

• • What’s the longest word in the Spanish language?
    Gooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaalllll.

 

• • I hate it when you get a bottle of wine at a bar and they ask how many glasses you want.
    It’s already in a glass. Just give me a straw.

 

• • Cop pulls me over and tells me papers please and I said scissors, I win. And i drove off.

 

• • You know how when you swimming in a public pool and you need to go pee, you just pee in the pool?
    Well i was at a pool one day and i needed to pee so i started peeing in the pool.
    The life guard saw me and started yelling at me. He scared me, I almost fell in.

 

• • 9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I finally asked her to marry me.
    She said “no you f*cking creep” both times.

 

• • True Text meanings
    BRB: I don’t wanna talk to you.
    LOL: I don’t have anythings else to say.
    COOL: I really don’t care.

 

• • News reporter: Amidst the devastation of this earthquake, there’s still hope.
    I found a man’s wallet!

 

• Teacher: The best medicine is laughter.
  Kid: I guess your face must be curing the world.