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Dad jokes

dad jokesHere is a great collection of dad jokes that will make you laugh or cringe at the same time. These jokes are famous for being embarrassing for kids, because dads always tells them when all the friends are around. One thing is known, they are extremely easy to remember and that could be the reason why all the dads have them as their repertoire. Yes these jokes may be corny, and not that funny again, but give your old man a chance, there may be one jokes in the whole bunch that you may find funny.

Prepare yourself for agony and misery, for this list contain more than 125 terrible dad jokes. And if you’re a dad, remember to share them with your friends who also have kids. How else can we annoy our kids right?

  • I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
  • I used to have a job at the calendar factory, but they fired me because I took a couple of days off.
  • Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

  • What time is it? I don’t know. It keeps changing.
  • Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
  • I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
  • Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.
  • What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
  • Why does Peter pan always fly? Because he neverlands!
  • You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
  • Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
  • “I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
  • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
  • Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
  • If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?
  • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  • Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I’m still working on it.
  • “Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
  • What do you call a can of soup that eats other cans of soup? A CANnibal.
  • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
  • When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
  • This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
  • I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
  • I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
  • RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
  • I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
  • Why do bananas need sunscreen? Because they peel.
  • If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
  • “Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”
  • “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
  • “What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”
  • The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
  • Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
  • How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
  • What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
  • “What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”.

  • The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  • “How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
  • Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – it’s pasteurized before you even see it
  • What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
  • People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
  • I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
  • Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it.
  • Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
  • I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
  • Many more dad jokes right here.

  • If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
  • I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  • I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
  • I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
  • You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
  • Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
  • What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
  • What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
  • If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!
  • Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
  • Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
  • Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  • Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!
  • Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
  • What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”
  • How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!
  • How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
  • I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  • What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
  • What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.
  • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”

  • What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
  • Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
  • Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
  • What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
  • “What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.”
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.
  • A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
  • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
  • Without geometry life is pointless.
  • “What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”
  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
  • I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
  • A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently, the survivors are marooned.
  • I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.
  • Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
  • I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
  • What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
  • Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.
  • Just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best damn program I have ever seen.
  • Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
  • What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
  • What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
  • Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re two tired.
  • There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
  • “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”
  • “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”
  • A Sandwich walks into a bar; the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  • What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
  • The last 25 dad jokes

  • I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
  • Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
  • A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
  • What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
  • What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
  • Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
  • What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
  • Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

  • Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
  • “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”
  • What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
  • What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
  • What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
  • A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”.
  • Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  • I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little.. Eel.
  • I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
  • “Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”.
  • Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
  • Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
  • When Dad drops a pea off of his plate “oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table”.
  • What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
  • Dad I’m hungry. “Hi hungry” I’m dad.
  • Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

Here is a great video with a man who tells 41 dad jokes in about 4 minutes.

This video is created by “vlogbrothers”

Can it be? Have you read all the dad jokes? You must have some patience I must say, many would have picked another joke category but you stuck with it all the way. You must be or have bin every fathers dream. Congratulations, you are one of the few who reached the end of this misery.

If you liked these jokes, then we have many more categories you can discover. You can see all the categories we have below or simply pick one you would like to read in the main menu.

Should it happen that we missed some or you know a great dad joke, then don’t hesitate to submit it. I will attach you name to the jokes as a thank you.

Have a great day to all the fathers and their kids out there.

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