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Irish jokes

Irish jokesHow about some funny Irish Jokes eh? I have compiled a list with classic jokes about Ireland and the Irish. Most of the jokes are about how stupid or drunk they are. If you’re an Irish don’t be mad, this is only for the laugh of it and nothing mo. I don’t in any way implicate that the Irish people are stupid or drunk in any way.

  • What’s the difference between Ireland and a tea bag?
    The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

  • What’s the difference between a smart Irish man and a unicorn?
    Nothing, they’re both fictional characters.

  • What’s the difference between God and Bono?
    God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.

  • What’s the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
    There’s one less drunk.

  • How does every Irish joke start?
    By looking over your shoulder.

  • What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
    Gaelic breath.

  • How do you blind an Irish woman?
    You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.

  • What do you call a big Irish spider?
    A Paddy long legs.

  • Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
    It doesn’t come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

  • Did you hear about the winner of the Irish beauty contest?
    Me neither.

  • What do you call two gay Irish men?
    Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

  • Seamus do you understand French?
    I do if it’s spoken in Irish.

  • What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight?
    Liam Malone.

  • What do you call an Irishman covered in boils?
    A leper-chaun.

  • What happened to the Irish Sea Scouts?
    Their tent sank.

  • What do you call an Irishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
    A Referee.

  • What do you call an Irish man with a piece of glass behind both ears?
    Paddy O’Doors.

  • What are the best ten years of an Irishman’s life?
    Third grade.

  • Why did God invent whiskey?
    So the Irish would never rule the world.

  • Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
    Cos they’re always a little short.

  • How can you identify an Irish pirate?
    He’s the one with patches over both eyes.

  • Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland?
    He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

  • How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
    He’s Dublin over with laughter!

  • How do you sink an Irish submarine?
    Knock on the hatch.

  • Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Ireland who?
    Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.

  • Two confirmed bachelors sat talking in a bar and their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. ‘I got a cookbook for my birthday one year,’ said the first man. ‘But I could never do anything with it.’
    His friend asked: ‘Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?’
    And the first man replied: ‘You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: “Take a clean dish and.”

  • Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
    Paddy says to Mick: “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”

  • A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How did you know it was dead?” she asked her pupil.
    “Because I pis*ed in its ear and it didn’t move!” answered the child innocently.
    “You did WHAT???” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
    “You know” explained the boy “I leaned over and went ‘Pssssst’ and it didn’t move!

  • What is Irish diplomacy?
    It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip.

  • My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
    “Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Incredible!”
    Being the nice guy I am, I thought, “What the heck, I’ll treat her!”
    So we walked past it again.

  • The last 12 Irish jokes

  • Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
    After a while, one amazed onlooker said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
    The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

  • Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. “Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I’m afraid he’s goin’ to die.”
    “Shure, an’ why would he be dyin’?” asked the other.
    “Ah, he’s gotten so thin. You’re thin enough, and I’m thin – but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.

  • What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?
    Someone who’s tells a stupid Irish joke.

  • Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Has me house got all this here?”
    The agent replied “Certainly ye have. Why do you ask?” Murphy smiled and replied “cancel the sale, the place sounds grand to me”

  • Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.”
    “Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
    The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.”
    “That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
    Dr O’Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

  • Finnegin says, “My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her out of it.”
    “What on earth is she doin’ at that time?” replied Keenan.
    “Waitin’ for me to come home!”

  • Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: “What shall I do?” Mick barks back: “Call me an ambulance!”
    Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: “Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance.”

  • An Irish priest is driving down to New York and is stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
    “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
    The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

  • An Irish man walks out of a bar…… really it can’t happen.

  • “Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”
    “I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. “Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

  • An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
    “Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”
    Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

  • Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
    The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
    “That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

A great video with jokes about the Irish.

This videoe was uploaded by “Uplift Post”

How about them Irish jokes eh? If you liked them, please leave a comment or a jokes about the Irish if you know any good and think it deserves to be on this list. And hey, don’t be a stranger alright? I will add more many more jokes to this category in the future so remember to come back.

Cya later.

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