Girlfriend jokes

• • What do you call your ex-girlfriend with Pms and Esp?
    A woman who thinks she knows everything.

• • My last girlfriend had a tattoo of a chameleon.
    Well that’s what she said, but I could never see it.

• • What is loud and obnoxious?
    You’re Girlfriend.

• • What does your girlfriend and a condom got in common?
    If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.

• • When meeting your girlfriend’s mother for the 1st time, always push her over to see what your girlfriend’s balance will be like when she is older.

• • My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
    Now I have two girlfriends.

• • After 5 years with my girlfriend, I decided it was time to tie the knot.
    Hopefully the gag stays on too and I can finally get some peace.

• • My ex was an absolute treasure. By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

• • How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
    She fits into your wife’s clothes.

• • What do you call a girlfriend with an opinion?
    Wrong.

• • What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
    A $100 bill.

• • Why did God give men penises?
    So they’d have at least one way to shut their girlfriends up.

• • What book do women like the most?
    “Their boyfriend’s paycheck!”

• • The other night my girlfriend said, “Emo I’m seeing another man.”
    I said, “Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.”

More girlfriend jokes

• • Why did God invent the yeast infection?
    So your girlfriend know what it’s like to live with an irritating woman.

• • Boyfriend: Wanna see a magic trick?
    Girlfriend: Sure, babe.
    Boyfriend: BAM! You’re single.

• • “If I were to lay eleven roses next to you, you’d make the perfect dozen.”

• • My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.
    So I said, “Alright fatty.”

• • What do you call a woman made out of garbage?
    Your ex-girlfriend!

• • Man: “Excuse me?”
    Woman: “Yea?”
    Man: “Would you touch this?” (holds out his sleeve)
    Woman: “Ok, why?”
    Man: “Does that not feel like boyfriend material?”

• • How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant?
    Marry Her!

• • Why is a girlfriend like a laxative?
    They both irritate the hell out of you.

• • What does an intercourse with your girlfriend and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
    Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.

• • How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None, it should be opened when your girlfriend brings it to you.

• • “What is the difference between like and love?”
    Answer: “Spit and swallow.”

• • What did the artist say to his girlfriend?
    I really love you with all my art!

• • What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
    Hopefully your girlfriend.

• • What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
    Homeless.

• • What’s the difference between a Catholic girlfriend and a Jewish girlfriend?
    A Catholic girlfriend has real climaxes and fake jewelry.

• • My girlfriend said that I’m too immature for her.
    I said “If I’m immature, how come I’ve got an Arsfor?”
    She said “What’s an Arsfor?”
    “Shitting.” I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.

• • What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
    A girlfriend that won’t do what she’s told.

• • Why do women have breasts?
    So men will talk to them.

• • Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?
    The thief was spending less then his girlfriend.

• • I took my girlfriend round to see my family today.
    My wife went totally mental.

• • Why are girlfriends like condoms?
    They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

• • Why shouldn’t you lie to your girlfriend when she’s on her period and has GPS?
    Because she’s a woman & she will find you.

• • In an effort to be a gentleman, I stood aside and held the door open for my girlfriend.
    Two minutes later she said, “Can you please get away while I’m making a poo?”

• • What’s the difference between a girlfriend with PMS and a Pit Bull?
    Lipstick.

• • What is the difference between a Girlfriend and a washing machine?
    The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

• • Kissing your girlfriend on the cheek (good).
    Kissing girlfriend in the mouth (awesome).
    Kissing girlfriend in front of her ex (boss).

• • Skinny = anorexic.
    Thick = obese.
    Virgin = too good.
    Non-virgin = cheap.
    Friendly = fake.
    Quiet = rude.

• • What should you give a man who has everything?
    A girlfriend to show him how to work it.

• • A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend.
    If she doesn’t get jealous when someone has your attention, it’s because someone has hers.

• • Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life.
    Like my name, address and telephone number.
    Society can never be pleased!

• • Be the girl his ex girlfriend will hate, his mom will love, and that he will never forget.

• • The world thinnest book has only one word written in it: “EVERYTHING”.
    The book title is: “WHAT WOMAN WANT”.

• • Your girlfriend is like a meat locker every guy wants to store his meat in her.

• • Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
    Twitter asks what I’m doing.
    Foursquare asks where I am.
    The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.

The last 15 girlfriend jokes

• • It’s bro’s before hoes, not bro’s over your girlfriend.

• • If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.
    Take her to the Gas Station.

• • Every girl is a ninja.
    It shows when someone touches her phone or her boyfriend.

• • Boyfriend: Just because you have your period doesn’t mean you can be so mean.
    Girlfriend: Oh well just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you can be one.

• • Boyfriend: Do you want a kiss?
    Girlfriend: No.
    Boyfriend: Do you remember what I just said?
    Girlfriend: Do you want a kiss?
    Boyfriend: Yes, if you insist.

• • Girlfriends are like blue jeans.
    They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

• • Boyfriend: Dear do you know that exams are like girlfriend?
    Girlfriend: How funny?
    Boyfriend: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful.

• • Boyfriend: “Hey babe, you smell that?”
    Girlfriend: “No.”
    Boyfriend: “Me neither, start cooking.”

• • Boyfriend: “Life’s a hard and cruel, just like you.”
    Girlfriend: “Actually life is short, just like your dick.”

• • Girlfriend: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me. Boyfriend: What a joke? Okay then, let’s start with Kisses!”

• • Girlfriend: “Go to hell.”
    Boyfriend: “I’m sorry, I can’t go to hell. They kicked me out. I was caught selling ice.”

• • Girlfriend: Ily.
    Boyfriend: Awww spell it out to make it more romantic.
    Girlfriend: I’m leaving you.

• • Girlfriend : Babe , What’s Your Fav Position?
    Boyfriend : When I get on one knee and make you my wife.

• • Boy: b*tch.
    Girl: I’ve been called worse before.
    Boy: Ha, like what?
    Girl: You’re girlfriend.

• • Boyfriend: Amazing world, only 25% boys have common sense, very short figure!
    Girlfriend: What about Rest?
    Boyfriend: Well rest have GIRLFRIENDS!