Pregnant jokes

• • Putting a pin through all of my best friend’s condoms seemed like a good idea at the time.
    Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.

• • Should I have a baby after 35?
    No, 35 children is enough.

• • I used to think I was trapped in a woman’s body.
    Then I was born.

• • Why is it so great to be a test tube baby?
    You get a womb with a view.

• • They say so many people die because of alcohol…
    Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.

• • When will my baby move?
    With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

• • Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
    Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

• • A woman goes to a sperm bank for artificial insemination.
    The doctor takes off his clothes and explains, “We’re all out
    of the bottled stuff, I’m going to have to give you draft.”

• • What does a blonde say when she finds out she’s pregnant?
    “Are you sure it’s mine?”

• • Why did the sperm bank develop a new freezing method?
    So their product would taste like fresh squeezed.

• • Define: Artificial insemination.
    A technical knock-up.

• • Multiple births seem to be popping up all over the place:
    Twins, triplets, Quads and more! I think I can understand what’s going on:
    The shape the world’s in today, kids are afraid to come out by themselves!

• • Do I have to have a baby shower?
    Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

More pregnant jokes

• • My girlfriend showed me a pregnancy test she took last night, and the result was positive.
    I said, “Should we keep it?”
    “No point” she replied, “You can only use them once.”

• • What’s do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common?
    You should have taken it out earlier.

• • People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less
    traumatic for the baby because it’s in water.
    But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

• • When my wife went to hospital to give birth, they laid her on the bed, took off her clothes, pumped her full of drugs and told her it wouldn’t hurt.
    Which made me laugh, because that’s exactly how I got her pregnant in the first place.

• • The doctor told me I was sterile and couldn’t have children. Three weeks later, my girlfriend was pregnant.
    Ha, who’s the daddy?
    Oh, hang on…

• • The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
    class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
    breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary
    assurances at this stage of the plan.
    The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
    is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take
    the time to go walking with your partner!”
    The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group
    raised his hand.
    “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag
    while we walk?”

• • How does one sanitize nipples?
    Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

• • What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
    It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

• • Then there was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have
    her first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next
    year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
    The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there,
    just like clockwork.
    In the twelfth year – she didn’t show, and the staff wondered what
    happened…A couple of years later she shows up, but she’s not pregnant.
    The hospital staff wonder what happened – did her husband die, or what?
    When asked why she hadn’t been there having a baby the past couple of
    years, she replied “No, no more. Found out what was causing’ it.”

• • Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
    A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

• • A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was
    pregnant.
    The doctor asked, “Do you know who the father of the baby is?”
    The girl remarked, “Doc, let me put it to you this way, if you
    ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”

• • Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed
    at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
    Depends on what you’re doing with them.

The last 10 pregnant jokes

• • Define: Henpecked.
    A sterile man afraid to tell his pregnant wife.

• • What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
    You can unscrew a light bulb.

• • A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor
    says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
    The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these
    cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
    The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother
    and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is
    pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”
    The mother says, “Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been
    left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
    Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
    The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About
    five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something
    wrong out there doctor?”
    The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time
    anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three
    wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it
    this time!”

• • An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a
    baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor
    arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her
    5-year-old child.
    The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
    see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so,
    the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the
    newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
    take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he
    thought of the baby.
    “Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled
    up there in the first place!”

• • One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady
    ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring,
    then said, “But isn’t having nine babies a little much?”
    “Well,” she said, “I don’t know why I get pregnant so often, it must
    Be something in the air.”
    “Yes,” said the priest, “your legs.”

• • “I’m really worried,” exclaimed Sam.
    “Why?” Pete asked.
    “Well, my wife read `A Tale of Two Cities’ and we had twins.
    Later she read `The Three Musketeers’ and we had triplets.
    Now she’s reading `Birth of a Nation!”

• • Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown.
    Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
    Yes, your bladder.

• • How long is the average woman in labor?
    Whatever she says, divided by two.

• • It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not
    well with her attractive daughter. To her pointed questions, the girl
    tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching, and that a close
    friend of the family was responsible.
    With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friend’s house
    and confronted him. The man readily admitted his guilt.
    “But I have a very good reason,” the soon-to-be dad said. “I doubt
    I’ll ever get married, and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to. If
    your daughter presents me with a daughter, I’ll give her $500,000.
    If she bares me a son, I’ll make it a million.”
    “Now see here,” said the Mother, “That’s totally unacceptable.
    If it’s a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance?”

• • How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
    If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.