Dirty jokes

• • Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
    He only comes once a year.

 

• • What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
    Finding out it was traced.

 

• • What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
    One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

 

• • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
    I want you inside me!

 

• • Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

 

• • Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
    For fingering a minor.

 

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• • I’m emotionally constipated.
    I haven’t given a shit in days.

 

• • What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
    Her navel.

 

• • A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
    An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady.”
    He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”

 

• • The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

 

• • What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
    A cherry float.

 

• • Why do women have orgasms?
    Just another reason to moan, really.

 

• • One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
    Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

 

• • What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
    Phil!

 

• • What do girls and noodles have in common?
    They both wiggle when you eat them.

 

• • If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

 

• • Boy in the bath with his mum.
    Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mum?”
    Mum replies, “That is my sponge.”
    “Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

 

• • What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

 

• • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

 

More dirty jokes

• • I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
    I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, “Come on My Face.”

 

• • What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

 

• • What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
    A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

 

• • What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
    One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

 

• • What did One gay sperm say to another?
    How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

 

• • How is a woman like a condom?
    Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

 

• • What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
    You can unscrew a lightbulb.

 

• • I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.

 

• • What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
    Beat it. We’re closed.

 

• • Why was the blonde’s bellybutton bruised?
    Her husband was a blonde, too.

 

• • Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
    Because his wife died.

 

• • What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
    There are twenty of them.

 

• • When do you kick a midget in the balls?
    When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

 

• • Three words to ruin a man’s ego.
    “Is it in?”

 

• • “A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

 

• • What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
    The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

 

• • What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
    Lick-a-lotta-puss.

 

• • What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
    A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

 

• • How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
    They both irritate the shit out of you.

 

• • What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
    If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

 

• • A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

 

• • Girl: “Hey, what’s up?”
    Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

 

Great dirty jokes

• • What’s the best part about gardening?
    Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

 

• • What’s long and hard and full of semen?
    A submarine.

 

• • What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
    The man.

 

• • Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
    Lady teacher rubs it off.
    Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: “REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

 

• • Why do vegetarians give good head?
    Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

 

• • One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

 

• • What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
    Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

 

• • What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
    After five years, your job will still suck.

 

• • Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
    They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

 

• • Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

 

• • What did the penis say to the vagina?
    Don’t make me come in there!

 

• • A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

 

• • Why did God give men penises?
    So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

 

• • What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
    Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

 

• • Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

 

• • What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
    One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
    I’m as bored as a slut on her period.

 

• • What do a woman and a bar have in common?
    Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

 

• • What’s another name for a vagina?
    The box a penis comes in.

 

• • What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
    Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

 

• • What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
    Fucking hot!

 

• • What do you call a cheap circumcision?
    A rip off.

 

• • How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
    Call and tell her about it.

 

• • The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

 

• • What do you call a guy with a small dick?
    Just-in!

 

• • How is life like a penis?
    Your girlfriend makes it hard.

 

• • Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
    He only comes once a year.

 

• • What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
    A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

 

• • What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
    A private tutor.

 

The last 20 dirty jokes

• • What do boobs and toys have in common?
    They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

 

• • Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
    They couldn’t close his casket.

 

• • Know what a 6.9 is?
    Another good thing screwed up by a period.

 

• • How is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

 

• • What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
    A trip without kids.

 

• • What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
    You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

 

• • What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
    Beef strokin’ off.

 

• • What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
    A wet nose.

 

• • What did the O say to the Q?
    Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

 

• • I’m the flower, you’re the bee.
    Why don’t you suck the sweet pollen right out of me?

 

• • How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
    As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

 

• • If you jingle my bells ill promise you a white Christmas.

 

• • What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
    You are the wind beneath my wings.

 

• • What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

• • Why are women like KFC?
    After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

• • What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
    Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

 

• • Why can’t blondes count to 70?
    Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

 

• • How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

 

• • What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
    About three inches.

 

• • How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    Kick his sister in the jaw.