Dad jokes

• • I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

 

• • I used to have a job at the calendar factory, but they fired me because I took a couple of days off.

 

• • Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

• • What time is it? I don’t know. It keeps changing.

 

• • Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

 

• • I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

 

• • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

 

• • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

• • What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

 

• • Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.

 

• • What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

 

• • Why does Peter pan always fly? Because he neverlands!

 

• • You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

 

• • Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

 

• • “I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

 

• • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

• • Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

 

• • If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?

 

• • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

 

• • Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I’m still working on it.

 

• • “Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

 

• • What do you call a can of soup that eats other cans of soup? A CANnibal.

 

• • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

 

• • When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

 

• • This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

 

• • I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

 

• • I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

 

• • RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

 

• • I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

 

• • Why do bananas need sunscreen? Because they peel.

 

• • If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

 

• • “Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”

 

• • “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

 

• • “What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”

 

• • The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

 

• • Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

 

• • How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

 

• • What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

 

• • “What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”.

• • The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

 

• • “How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

 

• • Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

 

• • Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – it’s pasteurized before you even see it

 

• • What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

 

• • People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

 

• • I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

 

• • Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it.

 

• • Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

 

• • I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

 

Many more dad jokes right here.

• • If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

 

• • I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

 

• • I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.

 

• • I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

 

• • You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.

 

• • Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

 

• • What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

 

• • What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!

 

• • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

 

• • If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!

 

• • Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!

 

• • Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!

 

• • Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

 

• • Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!

 

• • Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

 

• • What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”

 

• • How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!

 

• • How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

 

• • I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

 

• • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

 

• • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

 

• • What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

 

• • What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.

 

• • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”

• • What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto

 

• • Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

 

• • Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

 

• • What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

 

• • “What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.”

 

• • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.

 

• • A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

 

• • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

 

• • Without geometry life is pointless.

 

• • “What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”

 

• • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

 

• • I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 

• • A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently, the survivors are marooned.

 

• • I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.

 

• • Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

 

• • I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

 

• • What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

 

• • Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

 

• • Just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best damn program I have ever seen.

 

• • Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.

 

• • What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

 

• • What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.

 

• • Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

 

• • Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re two tired.

 

• • There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

 

• • “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

 

• • “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”

 

• • A Sandwich walks into a bar; the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

 

• • Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

 

• • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

 

• • What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!

 

The last 25 dad jokes

• • I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.

 

• • Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

 

• • A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

 

• • What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

 

• • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

 

• • What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

 

• • Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

 

• • What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

 

• • Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

• • Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

 

• • “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”

 

• • What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

 

• • What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

 

• • What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.

 

• • A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”.

 

• • Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

 

• • I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little.. Eel.

 

• • I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”

 

• • “Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”.

 

• • Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.

 

• • Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

 

• • When Dad drops a pea off of his plate “oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table”.

 

• • What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

 

• • Dad I’m hungry. “Hi hungry” I’m dad.

 

• • Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.