Chuck Norris jokes

• Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
• Chuck Norris can squeeze apple juice out of a banana.
• A blind man ran into Chuck Norris and got his sight back. Unfortunately, the first and last thing he saw was a roundhouse kick to the face.
• Chuck Noris is the reason Burger King says “Have it your way”.
• Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
• Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
• Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.
• Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
• Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
• Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
• Unlike Everyone else who has “Beware of Dog” signs in their yards, Chuck Norris’ dog has a “Beware of Chuck Norris” sign in front of his dog house.
• Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table.
• Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
• Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Funny Chuck Norris jokes

• • When Chuck Norris enters into a courtroom, the judge stands up.

• • Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

• • Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

• • Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

• • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

• • Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

• • Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of pain and agony, the rattle snake died.

• • Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it.

• • Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger. By yelling “Bang!”.

• • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

• • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

• • Chuck Norris teaches math to solve its own problems.

• • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

• • When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

• • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

• • Chuck Norris dropped the apple on Isaac Newtons Head.

• • Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

• • When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

• • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

• • Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

• • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

• • When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

• • Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

• • Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby. First on Hiroshima, then on Nagasaki.

• • Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits.

• • Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

• • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

• • Chuck Norris can teach an old dog new tricks, and teach a new dog old tricks.

• • Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

• • Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

• • Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

• • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

• • There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody
    crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

• • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

• • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

• • Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

• • Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.

• • Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number; you answer the wrong phone.

• • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever!

• • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

• • The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.

• • Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game – with a golf ball.

• • Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

• • Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

• • Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on Chuck Norris’ ear.

• • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

The last 20 Chuck Norris jokes

• • Chuck Norris bought his car with monopoly money.

• • Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

• • When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

• • A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

• • Chuck Norris stared at the sun, the sun went blind.

• • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

• • Chuck Norris doesn’t brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.

• • They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

• • When Chuck Norris works out he doesn’t get stronger, the machine does.

• • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

• • Before he forgot to give Chuck Norris a present, Santa Clause was real.

• • Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

• • There’s a 99.9% chance, Chuck Norris is your biological father.

• • Chuck Norris can hear his phone ring on silent.

• • A Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women than you.

• • Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

• • Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

• • Chuck Norris drew a triangle with four sides.

• • Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.

• • Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies, As The Force.