Bad jokes

• • I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
    I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been trippin’ all day.

 

• • What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
    Roberto

 

• • Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
    Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.

• • She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

 

• • Cashier in the grocery: “Would you like the milk in a bag”?
    Man: “No, just leave it in the carton”.

 

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• • I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

 

• • Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
    In case he gets a hole in one!

 

• • There were a group of young muslims fresh off the boat who walked into a bar, and began to act loudly and aggressively toward the other patrons. The bar was filled with all sorts of people, with other cowboys, with native Indians, a few Asian folks, a real mix of people all getting along with each other happily.
    It didn’t take long before the big cowboy behind the bar told the young muslims politely to either calm down or there would be some trouble they wouldn’t like.
    The leader of the gang aggressively began to walk up to the large cowboy and just then a native Indian man cut him off and said, “that cowboy meant it, you better keep your manners.”
    The cowboy bar owner hearing this said,“Some folks are slower to learn than others, we ain’t played cowboys n muslims yet.

 

• • Jokes about menstruation just aren’t funny.
    Period.

 

• • If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas.
    Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

 

• • A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, “You need to stop masturbating.”
    The man asks, “Why?”
    The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you”

 

• • I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.

 

• • I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

 

• • What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?
    Kara-tea.

 

• • How do you make holy water?
    You boil the hell out of it.

 

• • Why do crabs never give to charity?
    Because they’re shellfish.

 

• • What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.
    The guardians of the galaxy!

 

• • People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

 

• • You hear the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water?
    No?
    Well, well, well.

 

• • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

 

• • Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
    A barber.

 

• • What do sprinters eat before a race?
    Nothing, they fast.

 

• • How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
    A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.

 

• • I gave all my dead batteries away today.
    Free of charge.

 

• • A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.
    He says, “Uno, dos…” and then *poof*. He disappeared without a tres!

 

• • What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel

 

• • Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
    He pasta way.

 

• • A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

 

• • What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
    José and Hose B.

 

More bad jokes

• • I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.

 

• • Why are there fences around a graveyard?
    Because people are dying to get in.

 

• • Without geometry life is pointless.

 

• • I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 

• • The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.
    It was tense.

 

• • What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password?
    1forest1.

 

• • I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone.
    Now it’s Hans free.

 

• • I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
    It’s something I could really see myself doing.

 

• • What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
    Well, the flag is a big plus.

• • I am terrified of elevators.
    I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

 

• • 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

 

• • Tea is for mugs.

 

• • A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.
    Apparently the survivors are marooned.

 

• • What do you call a belt made out of watches?
    A waist of time!

 

• • Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
    Because it was well armed.

 

• • Why is 6 scared of 7?
    Because 7 ate 9 and 10.

 

• • How do you organize a space party?
    You planet.

 

• • What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
    Virgin mobile!

 

• • Just watched a documentary about beavers.
    It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.

 

• • How did the hipster burn his mouth?
    He sipped his coffee before it was cool!

 

• • Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
    Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

 

• • A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm.
    He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

 

• • Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
    He won the “no-bell” prize!

 

• • How much does a hipster weigh?
    An instagram.

 

• • What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
    An Orca-stra.

 

• • Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
    Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they’d all say “Bach bach bach!”

 

• • Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
    Because it was a cheetah.

 

• • I’m on a whiskey diet.
    I’ve lost three days already.

 

• • What did sushi A say to sushi B?
    Wasa-b!

 

• • They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.

 

• • What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow?
    Mufasa!

 

• • Breaking news!
    Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

 

• • A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

 

• • “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places”
    Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

 

• • Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
    Because she kept running from the ball!

 

• • Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

 

• • I fear for the calendar, it’s days are numbered.

 

• • There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

 

• • What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
    Cashew!

• • I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.

 

• • Slept like a log last night.
    Woke up in the fireplace.

 

• • What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
    Damn!

 

Funny bad jokes

• • I sold my vacuum the other day.
    All it was doing was collecting dust!

 

• • Velcro.
    What a rip-off.

 

• • A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
    He charged one and let the other one off.

 

• • I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it.
    It was a shitzu.

 

• • What is a duck’s favourite drug?
    Quack!

 

• • What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.

 

• • How do you know when you are going to drown in milk?
    When it’s past your eyes!

 

• • How did the frog die?
    He Kermit suicide!

 

• • Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
    It reads “Small medium at large.”

 

• • Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
    The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

 

• • Why do ghosts love elevators?
    Because they lift their spirits!

 

• • Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth.
    Its pasteurized before you even see it.

 

• • A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

 

• • Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
    Because they have big fingers.

 

• • Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

 

• • How many lives does a Nazi cat have?
    Nien.

 

• • A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
    He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

 

• • I heard there was a new store called Moderation.
    They have everything there.

 

• • Why should you not write with a dull pencil?
    Because it’s pointless.

 

• • What did the mountain climber name his son?
    Cliff.

 

• • Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

 

• • “My Dog has no nose.”
    “How does he smell?”
    “Awful”

 

• • Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
    Because he was too far out!

 

• • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
    The p is silent.

 

• • What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
    400 Million Dollars.

 

• • So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick, and put it on my bill”.

 

• • My grandad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

 

• • How do you make a hankie dance?
    Put a little boogie in it.

 

• • What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?
    Bison.

 

• • Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
    To go with the traffic jam.

 

• • Why did the tomato blush?
    Because it saw the salad dressing!

 

• • Why did the scarecrow win an award?
    Because he was outstanding in his field.

• • What do you call a fly without wings?
    A walk.

 

• • What do prisoners use to call each other?
    Cell phones.

 

• • Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
    Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

 

• • How do you catch a bra?
    With a booby trap!

 

• • Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
    Because then they’d be bay-gulls.

 

• • A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips.
    The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”.

 

• • What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
    It goes back four seconds!

 

• • What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    Pull the pin and throw it back.

 

• • What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
    Polaroids.

 

• • What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
    Dung!

 

• • Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”.
    The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”

 

• • What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
    You’re too young to be smoking.

 

• • Where does batman go to the bathroom?
    The batroom.

 

• • What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
    About 5000 miles.

 

• • A horse walks into a bar.
    The bar tender says “Hey.”
    The horse says “Sure.”

 

• • What do you call a sheep with no legs?
    A cloud.

 

• • What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
    Breathe dammit, BREATHE!

 

• • Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
    Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

 

• • Sgt.: Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting!
    Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.

 

• • What did the 0 say to the 8?
    Nice belt.

 

• • Why do bees hum?
    Because they don’t know the words!

 

• • I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood.
    Because now I’m feeling a little Eel.

 

• • I’m really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.
    They’re so full of themselves.

 

• • What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?
    I’ll ketch up.

 

The last 20 bad jokes

• • At what time does the soldier go to the dentist?
    1430.

 

• • Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
    Because he had no guts.

 

• • Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
    Because they have nobody to go with.

 

• • Wife: Honey I’m pregnant.
    Me: Well, what do we do now?
    Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor.
    Me: Hm. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

 

• • How do you feel when there is no coffee?
    Depresso.

 

• • Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
    They mostly wrap.

 

• • What kind of magic do cows believe in?
    MOODOO.

 

• • How are a chicken and a grape alike?
    They are both purple. Except for the chicken.

 

• • Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?
    Because there’s a Shortstop in between.

 

• • Can I watch the TV?
    Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

 

• • “Hold on, I have something in my shoe”
    “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”

 

• • ‘Put the cat out’.
    ‘I didn’t realize it was on fire.

• • Why does Piglet smell?
    Because he plays with Pooh.

 

• • “Dad I’m hungry”.
    “Hi hungry I’m dad”.

 

• • What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
    Does this taste funny to you?

 

• • When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.

 

• • When Dad drops a pea off of his plate: “Oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table”.

 

• • What are a ninja’s favourite type of shoes?
    Sneakers.

 

• • Where’s the bin?
    Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!

 

• • What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
    Nothing, they just waved.