Anti jokes

• • The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.

 

• • What do you call a Jewish cop?
    Officer.

 

• • An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
    Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because its a bird of prey.

• • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

 

• • The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

 

• • Why didn’t Johnny ride his bike to school?
    Both of his legs were amputated. He can’t ride a bike ever again.

 

• • What is brown, and bad for your dental health?
    A baseball bat.

 

• • The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

 

• • What do you call someone who kills a black person?
    Murderer.

 

• • When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will”.

 

• • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

• • Roses are red, violets are blue.
    I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

 

• • I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.

 

• • I like my coffee like my women.

 

• • What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
    It’s cold.

 

• • Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
    Tax evasion.

 

• • Why do girls like Justin Bieber?
    Because he is a talented singer.

 

• • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

• • What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

 

• • A guy walks into a bar.
    Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

 

• • What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
    Colors.

 

• • I ran into an old friend the other day.
    I was arrested for driving under the influence.

 

• • I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

 

• • What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

 

• • What is a vampire’s favorite dessert?
    Vampires aren’t real.

 

• • Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

 

• • Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

 

• • A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
    The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

 

• • My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

 

• • Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.

 

• • Take your age and add five years to it.
    That is your age in five years.

 

• • Knock Knock.
    Come in!

 

• • I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

 

• • Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.

 

• • What did the five fingers say to the face?
    Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

 

• • What do you call a fat hobo
    Whatever his name his.

 

• • Don’t trust people who do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.

 

• • What has two legs, and is red all over?
    Half a cat.

• • Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

 

• • Ahmed walks into Abbar.

 

• • There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

 

• • No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

 

• • A fly buzzes in to a bar.
    The bar tender promptly swats it with a fly swatter.

 

• • Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

• • What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

 

• • What group of people do cops target?
    Criminals

 

• • There are two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, “It sure is hot in here”. The other muffin says, “Yeah like 350, 375”.

 

• • A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

 

• • He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

 

• • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

• • Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    Because it was dead.

 

• • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

 

• • Why could Jimmy not drive a tractor? Because he had no arms or legs. Why? Because he is a potato.

 

• • A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

 

• • I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.

 

• • It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

 

• • I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.

 

• • What has five fingers and looks human?
    A severed hand.

 

• • I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

 

• • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

• • If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 

• • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

 

• • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

 

• • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head”.

 

• • The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

 

• • Why did the kid drop his phone?
    He was hit by a runaway train.

 

Read more great Anti jokes right here:

• • Why was the boy sad?
    Because he had a frog stapled to his face.

 

• • It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

 

• • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

• • My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

 

• • What did the girl say when she was stung by a bee?
    Nothing, she was allergic.

 

• • Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.

• • I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

 

• • Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

 

• • A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
    The horse replies “My wife is dying of terminal cancer”.

 

• • A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

 

• • Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

 

• • I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

 

• • What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
    A bullet.

 

• • What did the homeless man get for christmas?
    Nothing.

 

• • There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.

 

• • Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

 

• • Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

 

• • What’s black and white and red all over?
    A dead zebra.

 

• • I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.

 

• • Your mom’s so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

 

• • Your momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

 

• • I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.

 

• • I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

 

• • I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

 

• • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

 

• • How do you get rid of a cold?
    Turn the heating on.

 

• • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

 

• • Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

 

• • How do you get a clown off a swing?
    Hit him with an axe.

 

• • What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

 

• • What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot.

 

• • I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

 

• • If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

 

• • A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

 

• • I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

 

• • I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

 

• • A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

 

• • Chuck Norris walked into a bar. He was greeted with much respect considering he was a talented actor.

 

• • I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.

 

Last 25 Anti jokes

• • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

• • Why was six afraid of seven?
    It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

 

• • Two black guys go into a convenience store, Pay for their stuff and leave.

 

• • People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

 

• • A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

 

• • My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit.

 

• • What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?

 

• • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

 

• • An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

 

• • Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

 

• • Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
    Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.

 

• • Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
    Because she’s dead.

 

• • A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

 

• • Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
    Because he was hit by a bus.

 

• • How do you confuse a blond?
    Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

 

• • Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
    Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

 

• • How do you stop a ginger from drowning?
    You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.

 

• • How do you make a plumber cry?
    You kill his family.

 

• • Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
    Because he is dead.

 

• • Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?
    Because she didn’t have any arms.

 

• • How do you make anti-freeze?
    Take away her blanket.

 

• • Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    To.
    To who?
    To whom!

 

• • What’s green and has wheels?
    Grass, I lied about the wheels.

 

• • Why are black people so good at basketball?
    Dedication and hard work.

 

• • What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.