Old people jokes

• • Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
    She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

• • Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ‘How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?’
    ‘Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.’

• • Three old guys are out walking.. First one says,
    ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
    Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’

• • A boy asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled ‘LSD’?”
    His granny replies, “Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?”

• • Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
    One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

• • As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
    Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
    “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
    Please be careful!”
    ”Heck”,said Herman,
    “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

• • The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
    The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
    The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
    After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

• • I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
    But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

• • I’ve always wondered what it would be like to star in my own zombie movie, so I went down to my local old peoples home, stole all the wheel chairs and walking aids, then set the fire alarm off and waited outside with a shovel and a cricket bat.

• • An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
    “You used to sit closer to me,” said the woman. So the man moved closer.
    “You used to put your arm around me.” So the man put his arm around her.
    “You used to nibble on my ear.”
    “Let me get my teeth.”

Great old people jokes

• • I was out walking the dog this morning, when I spotted two teenagers wrestling with an old aged pensioner for her purse. I immediately ran over to help.
    We got the thing off her in the end.

• • An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
    ‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
    ‘Why Wal-Mart?’
    ‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’

• • Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
    After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
    “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
    Little BILLY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
    “Oh?” replied the man. ” Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
    “No” replied Little Billy, “he minded his own business!!”

• • A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
    “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
    “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
    “Sure.”
    “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.”
    “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
    He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
    “I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
    Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
    Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
    Then he toddles into the kitchen.
    After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
    She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where’s my toast?”

• • An old woman says to an old man at the rest home, “I can guess your age.”
    The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
    “Pull down your pants,” she says.
    She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”
    “That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”
    “You told me yesterday.”

• • My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

• • What are the three best things about Alzheimer’s Disease?
    1. You make new friends every day.
    2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
    3. You make new friends every day.

• • I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
    So I pushed her over.

• • I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, “you’re next.”
    They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.