Funny insults

• • I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

• • Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.

• • I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

• • I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.

• • You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.

• • I would probably find you more interesting had I studied psychology.

• • I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

• • Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.

• • Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!

• • You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.

• • You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

• • Anybody who told you to be yourself, simply couldn’t have given you worse advice.

More of the Funny insults

• • I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?

• • Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

• • Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?

• • Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, and a cockroach stole my wallet.

• • You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earth’s temperature by 3 degrees.

• • I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

• • In the battle of wits you’re an unarmed man.

• • Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more.

• • Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

• • You’re so dumb, your dog teaches you tricks.

• • You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.

• • Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

• • You inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

• • You tell people you live just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.

• • I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you never use it.

• • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, you just gargled.

• • Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.

• • I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.

• • If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.

• • You are living proof that God has a sense of humor.

• • You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.

• • Are you always an idiot, or just when I’m around?

• • I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you.

• • If you are going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.

• • You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, “concentrate”.

• • One more wrinkle and you’d pass for a prune.

• • What’s the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don’t.

• • Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

• • Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

• • I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!

• • You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.

• • You look like you just escaped from planet of the apes.

• • You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

• • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

• • I heard you went to a freak show and got in for free.

• • If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

• • You remind me of the ocean – you make me sick.

• • Your family tree is nothing but a rest stop for dogs.

• • Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.

• • You conserve toilet paper by using both sides.

• • Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end and you be yourself.

• • I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.

• • You prefer three left turns to one right turn.

• • You have a Teflon brain – nothing sticks.

• • You shouldn’t play hide and seek, no one would look for you.

• • You’re a dim bulb in the marquee of life.

• • Don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you’ve got a palm.

• • It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

• • When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

• • When they made you, they broke the mold – and beat the mold maker.

• • Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.

• • We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

• • What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his butt back?

• • At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn’t hit me in the face.

• • Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

• • When you die, I’d like to go to your funeral, but I’ll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

• • How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?

• • If ugly were a crime, you’d get a life sentence.

• • If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.

Great selection of Funny insults

• • Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

• • I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.

• • I fart to make you smell better.

• • I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

• • If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?

• • You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.

• • If my dog had your face, I would shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

• • I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.

• • I heard that you were a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of shock.

• • You think Cheerios are doughnut seeds.

• • Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

• • Are your parents siblings?

• • You have the face of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is.

• • You are so stupid, when you heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, you went out.

• • You are the reason God created the middle finger.

• • You think Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico.

• • All day I thought of you. I was at the zoo.

• • You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.

• • You call people to ask them for their phone number.

• • To make you laugh on Saturday, I need to you joke on Wednesday.

• • You weren’t fully debugged before being released.

• • You may be a beautiful person on the inside, too bad you were born on the outside!

• • You must be the arithmetic man – you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

• • Your family wasn’t dysfunctional until you arrived.

• • You have Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

• • You’re a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

• • You’re a few planets short of a Federation.

• • I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

• • You’re so dense, light bends around you.

• • You’re so dumb, blondes tell jokes about you.

• • The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a fish!

• • I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

• • I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

• • The twinkle in your eyes is actually the sun shining between your ears.

• • The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

• • The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

• • I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.

• • I’ll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you’ll need a passport and plane ticket back.

• • You’re as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

• • There is no vaccine against stupidity.

• • I hear the only place You are ever invited is outside.

• • Some people have called you a wit. They’re half right!

• • If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.

• • I’ll hit you so hard you’ll have to unzip your pants to say hi!

• • I’d like to break the monotony; where’s your weakest point?

• • Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.

• • No, a polygon is not a dead parrot.

• • Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date.

• • I’ll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!

• • Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

• • People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

• • Sit down and give your mind a rest.

• • People clap when they see you – their hands over their eyes or ears.

• • We all spring from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.

• • You are so old, you fart dust.

• • So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

• • Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

• • You are so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!

• • Sure, I’ve seen people like you before – but I had to pay an admission.

• • Your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime.

The last 25 Funny insults

• • Your head whistles in a cross wind.

• • They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

• • You’re ski lift doesn’t go to the top of the hill.

• • There’s two things I really hate about you: your face!

• • They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like, obviously he never met you.

• • For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.

• • Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable. Like a coma.

• • They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

• • When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

• • You have signs on both ears saying “Space for Rent”.

• • You are so stupid, you’d trip over a cordless phone.

• • I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

• • You’re a legend in your own mind.

• • You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.

• • You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

• • I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.

• • If brains were dynamite, you would not have enough to blow your nose.

• • People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

• • I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.

• • I’ve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

• • I wish your charm could be bottled – then a cork could be put in it.

• • I may be fat but you are ugly, and I can lose weight.

• • I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.

• • I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.

• • You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.