Funny Jokes and Insults
Here you find a great list of some of the best insults ever. Use them against friends, family or someone you care about. But be careful, you could make someone offended og sad, some of these insults can be quiet harsh. Do you know any good insults I have not yet on this site, please feel free to submit them.
- Isn’t it rather dangerous to use one’s entire vocabulary in a single sentence?
- I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
- You should eat some of your make up so you can be pretty on the inside.
- I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
- Shut up, you’ll never be the man your mother is.
- If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
- You must have been born on a highway, because that’s where most accidents happen.
- The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
- You’re a failed abortion whose birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
- It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
- You are so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
- If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
- If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.
- You’re so fat you could sell shade.
- Your so ugly when you popped out the doctor said aww what a treasure and your mom said yeah lets bury it.
- I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
- We all sprang from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.
- If I wanted a bitch, I’d have bought a dog.
- Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?
- I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
- I would ask how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.
- Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
- I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter comeback than what you just said.
- Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
- Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
- Just because you have one doesn’t mean you need to act like one.
- We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
- You’ll never be the man your mother is.
- I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
- Your lips keep moving but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.”
- Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
- Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.
- I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
- I’m sorry, was I meant to be offended? The only thing offending me is your face.
- Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
- Did you know they used to be called “Jumpolines” until your mum jumped on one?
- I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
- Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
- I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you never use it.
- Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
- Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.
- What’s the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don’t.
- Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
- No, those pants don’t make you look fatter – how could they?
- I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!
- If I had a face like yours I’d sue my parents.
- The zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage?
- You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
- If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
- What’s the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
- You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking.
- Jesus loves you… but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
- If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
- Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
- I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
- I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.
- Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the 3rd one down.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
- I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
- You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
- At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn’t hit me in the face.
- Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
- I’m sorry I didn’t get that – I don’t speak idiot.
- I’d slap you, but shit stains.
- You’re so ugly when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away.
- Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re nothing.
- Well I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.
- Quick – check your face! I just found your nose in my business.
- The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.
- You’re such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition.
- Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
- Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
- It’s better to let someone think you’re stupid than open your mouth and prove it.
- Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
- You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.
- I’ve been called worse by better.
- I just stepped in something that was smarter than you… and smelled better too.
- You’re as useless as a knitted condom.
- Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
- Don’t you get tired of putting make up on two faces every morning?
- Shock me, say something intelligent.
- I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
- You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
- You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity?
- Gay? I’m straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
