Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus. Sometimes one may think that we a different species and don’t understand one another. Here you will find a great many jokes about men. For all the women reading this, if you like these share them. Enjoy.
- Men are like – Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
- When would you want a man’s company?
When he owns it.
- What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
- Of course women don’t work as hard as men.
They get it right the first time.
- Three words to ruin a man’s ego.
“Is it in?”
- How can you tell if your man is happy?
- What do you call a man that lost all of his intelligence?
- What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
- What do you give a man with everything?
- How can you tell if a man is lying?
You can see his lips moving.
- What do you call a man with an opinion?
- How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
- Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?
Because they’ve forgotten what happened.
- Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
They never stop to ask directions.
- How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.
- What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
- What do you call a married man vacuuming?
Doing what he’s told.
- How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
- Why do men like smart women?
- Why doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.
- What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
- Men are like vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
- Why don’t some men have a mid-life crisis?
They’re stuck in adolescence.
- Why are Men like parking spaces?
The good ones are already taken!
- An english professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it.
The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
- Why did the man keep going in circles?
He didn’t get the point.
- How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two – if you slice them very thinly.
- “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.”
- What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man?
A glass of wine hits the spot every time.
- What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
- How did the man add some spice to his marriage?
He left home.
- Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
- What do you call a handcuffed man?
- What’s the difference between a smart man and a stupid man?
Nothing, they both think they know everything.
- What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
All invented by women.
- How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
- Why are married women heavier than single women?
When single women come home they go to see what’s in the fridge then go to bed. A married woman comes home, sees what’s in bed then goes to the fridge.
- How do males exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
- Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
- Why are men like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
- Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
- What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
- Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
- What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
- How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!
- What do you call an intelligent man in America?
- How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
- How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper?
We don’t know, it’s never happened.
- What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
- What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A pizza and a six pack.
- What is the difference between a man and a tree?
One is illegal to hit with an ax.
- How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
- What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
- What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
- What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
- What do you call a man who never farts in public?
A private tutor.
- What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
- Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
- What’s the best way to force a male to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
- What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says.”
- I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
- How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
- Why are all blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
- I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is.
Scaring men is easy.
- Why did God create man before woman?
Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
- What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that’s cute but can you breathe through it?
- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
- Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
Because their plugged into a genius!
- What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
- When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body.
Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
- Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City?
Because she was being led by three boys.
- How do you drive a man crazy?
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
- My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
- Why did God create man before woman?
He didn’t want any advice.
- Women fall in love with what they hear, men fall in love with what they can see, that’s why women wear make up and men lie.
- Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
- What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phones home.
- Why do little boys whine?
Because they’re practicing to be men.
- Few women admit their age; few men act it.
- A rock star, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline, it’s just a fantasy of mine.
- For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember, that’s where the knives are kept.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.”
I went over… nobody was home.
- Don’t break a man’s heart; they only have one.
Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
- Real men stay faithful. They don’t have time to look for other women, because they’re too busy looking for new ways to love their own.
- What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
- When a girl cancels a date it’s because she has to.
But when a guy cancels a date it’s because he has two.
- 90% of women like men in pink T-Shirt.
But ironically, 90% of men in pink T-Shirts don’t like women.
- What do you call a man with half a brain?
- On average, women cry between 30 and 64 times a year. Men cry up to six times a year.
- Real men don’t wear pink, they eat it.
- How do you know the handprint on the wet paint was left by a man?
Because they can’t look and not touch.
- Men are born between a woman’s legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there’s no place like home.
- Men, if you’ve done your job properly, there should be a little splash when you stick it in.
- No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
- Men are like fish neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.
- Men cheat on good women with bad women.
Women choose bad men over good men.
The circle of life.
- Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
- Men with good intentions make promises. Men with good character keep them.
- The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.
- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
- Real men know it’s not about the jean size of the woman, it’s about the size of her heart and her personality.
- A boy makes his girl jealous of other women. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.
- Spider man is not the not the only one who gets his hands sticky using the web.
- Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
- If all men are the same, then why does it take a women so long to choose.
- Did you know that married men are dying to get into funeral homes.
- If men can’t focus on two things at once, then why do women have boobs?
- The average guy spends about one year of his life just staring at women.
- Stressed men tend to find heavier women more attractive.
- Let’s have a moment of silence for all the guys out there in the friendzone.
- Men are not like dogs.
They’re not nearly as easy to train.
- Men are biologically more attracted to women with big butts because this indicates fertility.
- Boy: Amazing world, only 25% boys have common sense, very short figure!
Girl: What about Rest?
Boy: Well rest are Married!
- Man: Dear do you know that exams are like women?
Woman: How funny?
Man: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful.
- Women don’t know what they want.
Men never know what they have.
- A woman shot her husband, drowned him, and hung him. Then, they eat dinner. How is this possible?
She was taking a photo of her husband. She shot it, developed it, and hung it to dry.
- Girl: I want to end up our relationship; I am going to return you everything you gave me.
Boy: What a joke? Okay then, let’s start with kisses.
- Boy: Do you want a kiss?
Boy: Do you remember what I just said?
Girl: Do you want a kiss?
Boy: Yes, if you insist.
- Wife: I found Aladin’s lamp today.
Husband: Wow, what did you ask for darling?
Wife: I asked him to increase your brain power by ten times.
Husband: Oh… love you so much.. Did he do that?
Wife: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t work with zero.
- What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
- What’s the most common sleeping position of a man?
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If you reading this, then you have come to the end. You have red over 100 different jokes about men. I hope you liked them. If so, please leave a comment. I will add more jokes to this category with time.
Have a nice dag.
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