Fathers day jokes

• • Dan: What does your father do for a living?
    Mike: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
    Dan: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
    Mike: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

• • A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
    “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

• • While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, “Daddy, you’re the boss in our family, right?” The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, “Yes my little princess.” The girl then continued, “That’s because mommy put you in charge, right?”

• • Why did the scarecrow win an award?
    Because he was outstanding in his field.

• • Mom: Why are you home so early?
    Dad: My boss told me to go to hell.

• • Why can’t you have a nose 12 inches long?
    Because then it would be a foot.

• • Man: How old is your father?
    Child: As old as me.
    Man: How it is possible?
    Child: He became a father only when I was born.

• • A small boy came up to his dad and meekly said “Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?” The dad replied “But I’ve given you 10 glasses of water already son!” The little boy then said, “Oh yes daddy, but the bedroom is still on fire!”

• • Father: Let me see your report card.
    Son: I don’t have it.
    Father: What do you mean you don’t have it?
    Son: My friend borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

• • “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.
    “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.
    After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
    “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

• • What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
    Bison.

• • ‘Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot.
    ‘Knock, knock’
    ‘Who’s there?’
    ‘The chicken’

• • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
    Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

• • What do you call two people who do not hesitate to embarrass you in front of your friends?
    Mum and Dad!

• • I asked my son if he had seen my newspaper.
    He told me that newspapers are old school.
    He said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me his iPad.
    That fly didn’t stand a chance.

• • Dad: “Hey babe, you smell that?”
    Mom: “No.”
    Dad: “Me neither, start cooking.”

• • Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
    Student: When my father sees my report card!

• • You ask your Dad what is on the TV, what is his answer?
    Dust.

• • How do you scare a divorced dad?
    Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!

• • Does a dad ALWAYS snore?
    No, only when he is asleep.

• • How do fathers exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

The last 15 fathers day jokes

• • What did baby corn say to mama corn?
    Where’s popcorn?

• • What does a dad say when asked to put the kettle on?
    Sorry, I don’t think it will fit.

• • What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice?
    a POPsicle!

• • Why don’t some fathers have a mid-life crisis?
    They’re stuck in adolescence.

• • What does a dad say when you ask to leave the table?
    Where do you want to leave it?

• • How do you know your dad is planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

• • What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
    You spend too much time on the web.

• • What did Dad do after offering a hand with your homework?
    Started clapping.

• • Why are Fathers like parking spaces?
    The good ones are already taken!

• • Why did the baby strawberry cry?
    Because his dad was in a jam!

• • When asked to put the cat out at night, what was Dad’s response?
    “I did not know it was on fire!”

• • What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?
    Catch up!

• • What do you call the father you walk all over?
    Stepdad.

• • The waiter asks your dad how he would you like his steak, what is his response?

On a plate, please.

• • Why did the cookie cry?
    Because his father was a wafer so long!